Distinct from Victorians, the tourist is a unique breed of human native to places all over the world. To identify a possible tourist, look closely; they can look a lot like regular humans, but with a few distinct characteristics.
- They walk around with a vague look of dazed confusion.
Other characteristics include gazing upwardly for uncomfortable lengths of time and walking blindly behind outstretched maps of Victoria.
- They stop their cars to take pictures of deer.
If only they knew . . .
- They wear stupid hats with brims large enough to shelter a family of four.
I would like to know where a human even goes to purchase such hats. Maybe they have them tailor-made by blind monks.
- They take up every inch of sidewalk possible.
It doesn’t matter if they are walking in a herd of six or three, they will literally zig-zag if they have to.
- They walk into Serious Coffee “just to browse.”
That is a true story.
- They mispronounce the names of streets and neighbourhoods hilariously.
“Excuse me, how do I get to Soh-kee?”
- Whatever the opposite of the speed of light is, that is how fast they are walking.
I swear, I can’t make this stuff up.
- Their beards are made of mayonnaise.
Okay, I made that one up.
- They will buy anything for any price.
I’m not saying that I’ve never spent $12 on a drink at Bard and Banker, but seriously.
- They are literally wearing fanny packs.