Dear Eric and Ilsa,
I saw your letter in the Globe about your financial trouble and as a less successful individual living on less than $25 000 a month I figured I could provide some practical advice on how to survive in this economy.
- Change your conception of the term ‘modest’
While a custom-drafted $1-million complex on a $1.1-million plot isn’t exactly modest, adding a few quotations around the phrase would make it slightly more acceptable and would be a low-cost option provided you can spare the extra ink.
- Star in your own reality show
It worked for John & Kate, and they had low earning power and three more kids. Eric & Ilsa: Real House Hunters of Vancouver could be a big hit, the financial and merchandising opportunities of which are incalculable.
- Sell your children
Five children and a live-in nanny means a bigger home and a constant drain on the wallet, especially if the kids are going to private school. Selling off one or more children is a great way to minimize expenses and gain profit. You can even have the children duke it out in Thunderdome-style combat in order to decide who stays and who goes.
- Start holding patients for ransom
Hear me out: you are good people. You help others every day, at the clinic or in the dentist chair; why not ask for a little extra compensation? Sure, you are well paid, but that isn’t covering the bills, apparently; how about asking the family of 80-year-old Cecile to cough up some extra dough to avoid any accidents during her hip surgery?
- Exploit the poor
Alternate revenue streams are the key to solving your mortgage problem. Why not take $100 a month from some even less financially savvy mobile home owners for your very own trailer park? Once you have the extra income, you are free to clear them out and build whatever you want.
- Live within your means