A-list: what the calendar months should actually be called

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January is now Blanduary
Because nothing really happens. You tell yourself that you will be a good person after New Year’s and then slowly fizzle into being a schlub once again.

February should really be called Lame-uary
Literally the worst month: a whole lot of rain and rainy snow with cold overtones. Let’s face it—this month just blows, and not even in the good way.

March is now Cake
Just kidding; it’s a Month of Lies. That one day of sunshine in a blanket of misery isn’t fooling anyone.

April is going back to Aperire
The Latin word meaning “to open,” which represents snakes jumping out of jars of nuts in trickery. Of course, they used real snakes back then because they hadn’t yet invented the spring.

May is now Meh
It’s do-nothing month, folks, so that means it’s time to lay our butts  down and try to remember what it was like when we weren’t tearing your hair out every week over paper deadlines—at least until you get bored and pray for the start of the new school year.

June really should be Juuuuuuune
Home of the longest day of the year—heck yes! Also, summer.

July? More like Nude-ly
Inappropriate clothing abounds; we may as well be nude. Hmm. . . don’t mind if I do. . . *elevator eyes*

August is now Rockets
Not really relevant to late summer, but I think we all need more of them in our lives.

September, October, and November should really be one month: Rainuary
What the hell else are you good for, fall?!

December is more accurate as Santa
‘nuf sed.

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