APRIL FOOLS: A 21st-century guide to 19th-century camping

Every once in a while, it is important to leave your office in the city jungle to get out into some real foliage and become one with this powerful planet. After all, the power to tame the wild and mould our environment is what makes us feel alive. But before setting out to conquer the pure wilderness, it is important to be prepared. Only a fool would leave the comfort of home without the necessary equipment.

Whether you venture out alone or with your dearest friends, pack a spacious tent that shields you and your belongings from wild creatures during the night and the unbearable cold. If it’s not cold enough, consider bringing along a portable camping air conditioner. They’re sold in 110-volt models that can plug into any generator, and most have a heat setting, too, in case you want to simulate a grueling summer night and test your humanity.

A generator is just another invention that exemplifies our species’ ability to adapt and survive in all climates and terrains. But if you haven’t built the muscle to lug one around, or in case you run low on fuel, bring along some innovative Power Rubbers. These are Wellington boots that allow the refined camper to generate electricity from the heat of his very sole. Twelve hours in the thermoelectric footwear gives one hour of charge time for your cellphone. They also keep your $50 compression Merino wool socks dry.

Don’t forget your straight razor kit unless you want to come back looking like Sasquatch rather than the proven gentleman you’ll be. Camping is all about centring yourself, and you’ll find your shave much more meditative if you have some way to heat a towel for softening your beard first. Which brings us the next item to bring on your camping trip: a portable propane tankless hot water station. It will allow you to offer any guests warm showers without the fuss of a solar tank that only holds enough for a five-minute splash.

With classic shaves and soul-searching showers, you’ll want artisanal food. Add gourmet cuisine to your gullet and a craft cocktail in your hand, and that’s when Gaia will commune with you. To get there, you’ll need TrunkTrolly.com’s rolling bar and a Gusta wood-fire outdoor oven. “Then what did I carefully flare the campfire with my butane torch for?” you ask. We recommend joining the marshmallow of the month club so you can lightly toast one of their 79 small-batch flavours; use aluminum or cedar rotisserie prongs for best results (the cedar adds an earthy whisper).

When you wake to the sunlight or your cellphone’s alarm, you’ll find your world has fallen into place — in your Grid-line luggage organizer — and you’ll be ready to brew some espresso in the specialty Italian designer pot of your choice. Nothing helps the devout camper tune in to Mother Nature more than the whoosh of a French press filter plunging into shade-grown grounds.

You should consider camping in close proximity to a Whole Foods supermarket to get refreshments whenever needed. In fact, if your local organic grocery store has any sort of greenery in the parking lot — a lone tree, a grassy meridian — you could just erect your authentic “Napoleon Bonaparte — The Egypt Years” replica military tent there.

 

Field Guide

  • Luxury tent that fits all amenities (we suggest the aforementioned “Napoleon Bonaparte — The Egypt Years” replica military model)
  • 42” Samsung 3D LED TV to relive the glory of the nature you captured on your GoPro HERO3: Black Edition camcorder
  • Propane-powered tankless hot water station — you need a hot shower to be as fresh as the forest air
  • Portable WiFi hotspot to share your experience with the less fortunate city-folk
  • A GPS device — preferably one that has an underappreciated explorer in its name (Magellan RoadMate, anyone?)
  • Silk-lined sleeping bag
  • At least 10 fringed cushions and
  • Venetian glass lamps to create a relaxed environment for the sharing of stories with fellow campers
  • Kitchenware (wine glasses, martini glasses, cocktail shaker, your mother’s tiered dessert tray) — you do have to celebrate, right?
  • Three bottles of a full-bodied merlot that has hints of rosewood smoke and a robust finish. Its hue must remind you of the colour of an ex-lover’s hair

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