Horoscopes For Very Specific Groups of People: Astrology for Wu-Tang Clan fans

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Aries (March 21 – April 19)
When giving important information to someone you love, make sure to do it raw, and without trivia. You can equate it to being like “cocaine straight from Bolivia.” Rawness will be a recurring theme here, so pay attention. Wu-Fact: Method Man falls under this sign! Spell it with me now: M.E.T.H.O. . . .

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Manoeuvering between your home and work life will require a strategy. Try thinking of things in terms of chess, because “the game of chess is like a sword fight. You must think first, before you move.” Carry a sword around!
 Wu-Fact: Ghostface Killah falls under this sign!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
To succeed in social endeavours this month, let people know that “Socrates’ philosophies and hypotheses can’t define how you be droppin’ these mockeries!” A little sharp wit goes a long way! Wu-Fact: The album Wu-Tang Forever was released during the Gemini cycle in 1997!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
All signs point to you ending up in a time travelling elevator, no matter how improbable that may seem. Go back to 20,000 BC, ‘cause gravel pits are the shit. Wu-Fact: The last one minute and 37 seconds of the song “Gravel Pit” are the best thing ever filmed. Oh, and RZA and Inspectah Deck are both Cancer!

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
When you were little, your father was famous. He was the greatest samurai in the empire, and he was the shogun’s decapitator. He cut off the heads of 131 lords. It was a bad time for the empire. Wu-Fact: GZA is a Leo, and also a genius!

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will have to watch out for bees this month. But not just any bees. KILLA BEEZ, KILLA BEEZ! WU-TANG KILLA BEES! Wu-Fact: Killer Bees are sometimes called Africanized bees.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will have to make an important decision this month between a sword and a ball. Even if you don’t understand this scenario, for the love of god, choose the sword! Wu-Fact: Each Wu-Tang member has about nine or more pseudonyms!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
This month, you will like it raw.
Wu-Fact: Ol’ Dirty Bastard was born Nov. 15, 1968. I was born Nov. 15, 1986. Ol’ Dirty Bastard liked it raw. I like it raw. Coincidence? Both ODB and U-God are Scorpio!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will do well in real estate if you remember that “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuthin’ ta f*** wit’.”
Wu-Fact: Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuthin’ ta f*** wit’.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan.19)
You may find yourself buying jewelry soon. When selecting an item, go for a necklace or chain. Make sure the chain is “Only Built 4 Cuban Lynx,” ’cause that’s how we does do, son!
Wu-Fact: Raekwon is a Capricorn and a chef! I saw him perform live, and in between songs he asked, “Aye yo, what’s that big building with all the Christmas tree lights on it?” The crowd, myself among them, shouted, “Parliament!” to which he replied, “Yeah, I luv dat shit.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your father would come home — he would forget about the killings. He wasn’t scared of the shogun, but the shogun was scared of him. Maybe that was the problem. Wu-Fact: Liquid Swords and Aquarius are both watery and moist!

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Nobody likes Pisces. They’re named after fish and that’s gross. Wu-Fact: The Wu-Tang Clan doesn’t like you either. Protect ya neck.

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