Posts By: Evan Read Armstrong

Dating advice for a galaxy far, far away

Dear Abby, I’m writing to you because I’m in the same problem so many women find themselves in. I’m a good girl who’s in love with a bad boy. But not just bad — he’s a criminal. Specifically, a smuggler. I know he’s all wrong for me; he’s arrogant and smug — he always thinks he knows best. He… Read more »

The big bang, a.k.a. pigs are bastards

Two days ago when I was walking my dog, I got picked up by a woman. As I identify as a heterosexual woman, this threw me for a bit of a loop. Not only because this gorgeous woman was apparently into me when I was wearing Uggs and a ketchup-stained t-shirt, but because she successfully… Read more »

First times, alcohol-free

There are some things in life you can’t do twice. You can’t go back to high school and tell yourself not to wear that all-denim outfit on the first day of class because (as much as we all secretly want them to) overalls are never coming back. You can’t return to your driving test and… Read more »

Let’s talk about sex: Celi—but…

Oh, Valentine’s Day. You filthy minx, you. Now, this week’s issue is a tricky one for me, because (unlike the rest of the year) I’m not the only one writing about sex today. What I love about this particular issue is that we get to see so many freaky, wonderful sides and examinations of the… Read more »

‘I hate you, now would you please take off your pants?’

Everyone has a pet peeve. Whether it’s chewing with your mouth open or making statements sound like questions? There’s always something that is a major turnoff. Of course, there’re other big issues that can absolutely insult the very essence of your being, like if a person doesn’t care about politics or obsesses about celebrities. Stuff… Read more »

The gloves come off during finals, and everything is fair game

SPORTS Bird

My dear readers, A few months ago, in a desperate attempt to save you all from my own past foolish mistakes, I wrote a column advising you against getting freaky with your classmates. As it turns out, I was wrong. Sort of. See, three months ago, I was trying to deter awkward sorry-I-saw-your-orgasm-now-can-I-borrow-your-notes conversations. However,… Read more »

If you want to have sex, you will

Here’s a fact: you’re going to get laid. It doesn’t matter if you’re a virgin or in a relationship, or even if you’re in the midst of a very long dry spell; you’re going to get laid. There’s been a bunch of times in my life when I’ve been convinced that I was never going… Read more »