Avoiding Valentine’s Day with movies

Cupid is stupid

Look at that dumb face. Graphic by Austin Willis, Design Director

Oh, wow, would you look at that! Another Valentine’s Day is upon us, and yet again the single crowd must find a way to distract from the impending loneliness brought about by this hateful day. Being single is liberating for the majority of the year, but come Feb. 14, that freedom turns into a weighted guillotine ready to snap down at a moment’s notice. So let’s get over ourselves with some quality cinema.

(500) Days of Summer — 2009

GODDAMN IT. I said quality! Not this shit!

Did you just get out of a relationship? Did it end tragically? Why not throw some salt on that fresh wound with this so-called ‘romantic’ movie and watch a man fall deeply in love only to have his emotions torn from his very soul and shredded to bits? Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s unrequited love for Zooey Deschanel will be a constant reminder that even beautiful people are destined for romantic devastation. So what chance do you have? The most fabricated thing in this whole feature is that someone can recover from heartbreak in an hour and a half.

Okay, calm down. We can forget about these lovey dovey emotions with some adrenaline-fueled action!

Baby Driver — 2017

Now we got something good!

Directed by Edgar Wright, this musical thrill ride puts Vin Diesel’s Fast and Furious to shame. Baby is a talented getaway driver whose boss is fixated on high-stake heists, while Baby’s own interests revolve more around music and an ever-expanding collection of sunglasses. Sure, Baby Driver was built around style before substance, so the plot is slightly predictable in places. However, there’s nothing quite like it, and the perfectly-synced-to-the-beat fighting, shooting, and driving will turn your attention away from the God-awful day that is Valentine’s Day.

Your heart will be pumping as star Ansel Elgort captivates your imagination . . . until you realize that he also starred in The Fault in Our Stars. OH GOD I CAN’T ESCAPE IT! When his cancer comes back and Hazel is left all alone! Who saw that coming? Not me. And that pre-funeral shit — holy crap! I can’t be the only one who shed a tear in the theatre, right?! What a stupid movie — do I really have to lose a leg to get someone to care about me?

Alright, let’s try to distance ourselves as far as we can from romance. Let’s try . . . ummm . . . horror?

The Shining — 1980

This 1980 psychological horror film will definitely exterminate any lingering lovesickness and replace it with the normal numbness you experience the other 364 days of the year. Watch Jack Nicholson play Jack, a writer anxious to get away from society who takes his family to an isolated resort over winter. As the snow separates them from the outside world, Jack will slowly devolve into an insane abuser as he struggles with visions of hotel staff who have long been dead.

Director Stanley Kubrick will mess with your weak mind as delusion and reality slowly blend together and you become unnerved by the constant bombardment of brutality and insanity. This is the ONE! After viewing this, you’ll forget all about roses, hearts, and candy. You won’t have the resolve to trust any loved one ever again. You’ll be so numb to the core that all the affection not coming your way won’t bother you at all. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

Yes! This has been a great success. However, The Shining is a little on the long side. So if you want the same numb feeling in a shorter time frame I recommend a quick visit to PornHub. Less than three minutes should be all the time you’ll need. <3  

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