By Adam Gooddayman
Scientists have finally gathered enough information to confirm a long-held hypothesis that briefs, or “tighty whities,” are, in fact, deadly.
“Let’s start off with the waistband,” said Chief Brief Scientist Dr. Ima Ahssat. “There is of course the case of the atomic wedgie.” In 2012, Jack Kof, a 32-year-old programmer from Albuquerque, New Mexico, was killed by asphyxiation after the waistband of his briefs was pulled over his head so far that they got stuck around his neck. This case was reportedly the “inciting incident” for Dr. Ahssat. “I always knew they were evil, but that’s when I knew I had to get some hard evidence.”
What’s more is that the waistbands on most briefs are, in fact, so tight that they can damage what Dr. Ahssat calls “a person’s squishy bits.” He went on to say that “prolonged pressure on one’s more sensitive inner organs can cause permanent damage . . . No, by squishy bits I am not referring to the testicles… However, testicles are, in fact, an issue.”
As is often the case, Seinfeld was right all along: tight briefs reduce sperm count. “If every man were to wear briefs, theoretically, none of them could generate sperm. You can see how easily the world as we know it could collapse,” said Dr. Ahssat. “No sperm? No babies, and eventually no more humanity.”
Dr. Ahssat urges everyone to burn their briefs, and stick to either silk boxer shorts, or “[. . .] just let the ol’ tan banana roam free.”