Dating advice for a galaxy far, far away

 Credit: Lucasfilm

Don’t you hate when you say “I love you” and they say “I know?” UGH. MEN! Credit: Lucasfilm

Dear Abby,

I’m writing to you because I’m in the same problem so many women find themselves in. I’m a good girl who’s in love with a bad boy. But not just bad — he’s a criminal. Specifically, a smuggler. I know he’s all wrong for me; he’s arrogant and smug — he always thinks he knows best. He never lets me drive the ship. Abby, you wouldn’t believe how crazy he makes me! I’m embarrassed to admit it but he made me so mad I kissed my twin brother on the mouth just to prove a point! Anyway, we were in this situation a while ago and things were pretty tense; you might say he was between a bit of a rock and a hard place. In the heat of the moment I lost my mind and told this jackass that I love him. And he said “I know.” Genuinely. I’m standing there with his best friend, listening to some patriarchal bullshit about how his best friend is supposed to “take care of me” and when I lay my heart on the line, this motherfucker tells me HE KNOWS. It would have been better if he said “Thank you” or “Wow.”

I don’t want to sound paranoid but I couldn’t help but think he responded that way because his best friend from way back was standing right beside me. They’ve been friends for a long time and there always seemed to be something else there . . . Do you think this is normal? Will he say it back eventually? Or do I have something to worry about?

Love,

Leia-The-Truth-On-Me

Dear LTTOM,

Six words baby doll: He’s just not that into you. It sounds like you’re afraid he’s getting nookie from his wookiee. Where’s your self esteem?! Life is too short to play Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean” on repeat. Let that motherfucker fly hand solo for a while so he can realize what he’s missing. You’re a strong, young, confident leader of the galaxy. You don’t need no scruffy looking nerf herder. Strap the girls into that gold bikini and put the CAN in cantina.

Love, 

Abby


 

Dear Abby,

While typically I would never go against protocol and write to another planet’s advice column, I must confess I am at my wit’s end. My dearest friend and closest compatriot has exasperated me for the last time! He is a renegade with no regard for his own safety or the safety of others. He disappears constantly and without notice — I’m forever searching for him and he never appreciates any of my efforts. Is there anything I can do to ensure he follows procedure?

Most sincerely,

PROtoCALL Lover

Dear PtC Lover, 

Don’t be so needy. Nobody likes a mindless philosopher. 

Peace out,

Abby

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