Editorial: Super Bowl shenanigans

The Super Bowl halftime show is one of the most anticipated and watched television events in the United States. Each year, the public expects bigger and better: more fireworks, more choreography and an everlasting lineup up of mega-superstars.

It doesn’t get much more spectacular than Beyoncé. Everything she does is a super-produced, booty-shaking, over-the-top performance (inauguration lip-synching aside), so it makes sense she was the choice for this year’s show. Last year, Madonna’s halftime show had 114 million people tuning in, and this year, Beyoncé drew over 100 million viewers as well. How can the halftime show possibly maintain its trajectory? When will it end? Who is bigger than Bey?

 

Perhaps some fresh scandal is in order. Not since the ill conceived and poorly staged “nipplegate” of 2004 has there been a proper controversy surrounding the Super Bowl’s halftime show. If you’ll recall, Justin Timberlake reached around Janet Jackson’s torso at the end of their performance and yanked off one of her boob covers, revealing a star-adorned breast. They called it a “wardrobe malfunction.” Please.

The Super Bowl higher-ups were either so aroused by the situation that they couldn’t comfortably enjoy the second half, or simply so enraged that a woman singer had made a mockery of their beloved game that they kept the fairer sex from headlining halftime for six years. Perhaps they decided it would be easier to refocus on burly men beating each other without any added pressure in their loins. From 2005–2010, middle- to late-middle-aged men rocked the halftime show, and all was good and safe and pristine once more. Female headliners weren’t seen again until 2011 when Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas had the privilege of performing for the masses.

In this day of social justice and equality, the answer to a bit of female nudity (if you can even call it that) is not to choke the Super Bowl halftime show of lady performers. In fact, quite the contrary. We just need to balance it out with a little man flesh. Think of how refreshing it would be if, at the end of a high-energy pyrotechnic halftime extravaganza, Nicki Minaj — consumed by the heat of the moment — gave Michael Bublé the ol’ reach-around and yanked off his codpiece, exposing Bublé’s tasseled wiener to the world. Imagine the excuses then.

On the flip side, maybe an appeal to patriotism would help stir the remaining population to tune in. With over 200 other countries watching the Super Bowl, the NFL is really missing their chance to shine and show the world what America is all about. After all, it’s called American football for a reason.

We need more American colours. The event should be bursting with the magnificent red, white and blue colours of American patriotism. Perhaps they should consider dipping not only all the cheerleaders in those glorious colours, but the halftime performers as well.

There is also a serious lack of eagles of the bald variety. What’s more American than releasing a group of bald eagles like doves from cages so they can fly off into the stands and greet their fellow Americans? We’ll tell you. Bald eagles released into the stands, dipped in the colours of America, gripping ice-cold bottles of Coke™ in their shining talons. That’s the halftime show we want to see in 2014.

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