Horoscopes for very specific groups of people: Astrology for daytime television archetypes

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Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Welcome to the show! Many lingering questions will be answered this week, the most important being: is Aries the father of Pisces’ baby? Aries says that the baby couldn’t be his because Pisces has been with four other astrological signs! Well, we have the results:  Aries, you are not the father!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The movement of Saturn spells out additional complications in an already complicated love life. I don’t mean Saturn the planet; rather, Saturn the receptionist. She’s only moving offices to be closer to Dr. Francis, who had an affair with her before his wife Cassandra fell into the coma. Now Saturn wants Dr. Francis back, but Dr. Zhivago wants Saturn and Dr. Francis needs Dr. Zhivago to operate on Cassandra! Oh to be young and restless again . .

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Illness and misfortune approach this week, but don’t worry. It won’t be anything that some soup, bed rest and back-to-back episodes of The Price Is Right can’t fix. So come on down! With a cold.

 Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Welcome back to the show. You should trust in your natural foresight, be prepared for your week and bring protection. Because today, Pisces is back to prove that Cancer is the father of the baby! Cancer says that that’s impossible because the rubber never came off! Well, the results are in: Cancer, you are not the father! Wow, this is getting embarrassing for Pisces.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Dun-dun-dun-dun! Meet the plaintiff: Leo. Leo is suing the defendant, Virgo, after Virgo had a really good day last week, even though it was Leo’s turn to have a good day. Leo is confident of victory in this case, because this week the stars have shown signs of positive financial gain.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Dun-dun-dun-dun! The defendant, Virgo, claims that last week’s horoscope did not suggest that Leo was supposed to have a good day instead of Virgo and that Leo needs to simply “get over it.” Virgo is counter-suing the plaintiff for emotional damages, which were predicted in this week’s horoscope.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
And we’re back! Next up is Libra, who should be out taking new risks and embracing new challenges. Instead, Libra has been brought here by Pisces in a third attempt to find a baby daddy! Libra, we have the envelope here with the results . . . You are . . . not the father! (See what I did there? I paused a second so that you thought you were . . . ahem. Yeah, sorry Pisces.)

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Finances and dealings with money should be closely monitored this week, as things are going to get tight. That doesn’t mean that you can’t buy a new Dice’N’Chop! It handles all of your kitchen needs! If you order in the next 20 minutes, we’ll throw in a second Dice’N’Chop free! What are you waiting for? Call now!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Important decisions will need to be made regarding your health and lifestyle. Put simply, you don’t need Dr. Oz to tell you that weed and Cheese Puffs don’t make the most complete breakfast. Also, coconut oil is great for the skin and hair!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan.19)
Welcome back to the show. Something that you have spent a long time practicing will come in handy this week. So when I read out loud that, “you are not the father” (because you aren’t), you can stand up and show Pisces your new electric slide, windmill, backflips and other dance moves! Never mind if Pisces runs off crying — that’s great for TV!

 Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
This week, you will really begin to reap the fruits of your labour. Approval is just around the corner! So keep on dancing for them, and soon they’ll love you just as much as they love Oprah.

Pisces (Feb.19 – March 20)
Well that’s our show for the day. Sorry things didn’t work out, Pisces. There’s always Jerry Springer. As a final thought, you could try to solve your life problems in private, but that wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining for the rest of us. Take care of yourselves and each other.

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