‘I hate you, now would you please take off your pants?’

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Everyone has a pet peeve. Whether it’s chewing with your mouth open or making statements sound like questions? There’s always something that is a major turnoff. Of course, there’re other big issues that can absolutely insult the very essence of your being, like if a person doesn’t care about politics or obsesses about celebrities. Stuff that just makes you hate people.

So there is nothing worse in the entire world than when you realize that the person you fundamentally loathe is kinda sexy. But what I have found lately is that while it can be difficult to stay interested in someone who you like, it’s really easy to get hot for someone you hate. It might seem counter intuitive and stupid; and for your sake I hope this has never happened to you because, trust me, it is annoying as hell.  What—you think Superman didn’t have mixed feelings about Lex Luther? Don’t be daft—Kent was always bi-curious about what Sexy Lexy was packing. What do you think he was “Clarking” himself to in the fortress of solitude?

There’s something about hating a person vehemently that makes you want to bang the crazy out of them. Like you can fix what you hate about them with your genitals. What better way to stop someone from eating with their mouth open than, well, making them eat with their mouth open?

I’m not promising that the sex will be good or that you will finally get along with this person, but maybe you’ll get them out of your system. Maybe you’ll sleep better knowing that as much as they might know about North West, they know next to nothing about going down south. And there is nothing better than knowing that the person you’re bumping uglies with hates you right back but can’t quite help themselves.

They don’t like you and you don’t like them, but hey—at least now you know, right? Opposites attract because they piss each other off. Look—the worst sex you can have is bland sex. Not couple-sex, not old-people sex, not vanilla sex. Bland sex. When you’re both there because, for whatever reason, you think you’re supposed to be. Because sex is something you think you’re supposed to do.

Sex with someone you hate takes that and turns it on its head (if you do yoga; otherwise it might just be a back position). It might be really good or really bad, but it’s never going to be boring. The best sex is passionate, so who cares if it’s out of Harlequin or Fight Club? What matters is that you want it—even if it’s a really bad decision. Even if you really, really hate a person, at least you’re completely absorbed in how much you hate them.

People always say you’re supposed to make love not war. I say fuck both and make warring love. Lay down a white flag and get your bodily fluids all over it. It’s what Sexy Lexy would want you to do.

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One Comment

Avatar caitlioness

This article made me laugh because I struggle with this all the time… For me, I may come across this person at work or through a friend of a friend – some sort of situation where I have to be around them. When I’m not around them I obsess over how annoying they are. My grumbling about all the things they do that annoys me is usually followed by the worry that I might actually enjoy thinking about the annoying person. Sadly, I can’t confirm that I’ve “gotten them out of my system” after one, ahem, encounter. I feel that in the name of science, I must conduct my experiment multiple times to be sure. And then a few months of certainty will pass and then I will want to revisit the findings. Are they still annoying? Have they gotten more annoying? Must. Find. Out.

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