If you want to have sex, you will

Here’s a fact: you’re going to get laid. It doesn’t matter if you’re a virgin or in a relationship, or even if you’re in the midst of a very long dry spell; you’re going to get laid.

There’s been a bunch of times in my life when I’ve been convinced that I was never going to have sex again. I was a virgin for a very long time, to the point where I was sure I would give Steve Carell (40-Year-Old Virgin) a run for his money. There have also been bad breakups after which I was ready to become a eunuch, Game of Thrones style, who never lets sex cloud their opinions.

Mind you, I’ve been in other situations where I became complacent. Like a fat jungle cat, I grew lazy on the sweet meat of relationship sex and was fairly certain that I would never have to hunt again. The point is: I’m wrong about my life a lot. But, despite what our culture tells us, it’s not only good-looking people who get to get jiggy.

If the birds and the bees are doing it (and what kind of freaky bastard spawn would that create? But I digress), then pretty much anyone can. It’s not just young and sexy lingerie models; I once read that sexually transmitted infections are a huge problem in nursing homes, because the elderly can’t keep their catheters in place and their hands to themselves. But despite this—despite knowing that it pretty much has to happen to you at some point, it can be really easy to be insecure about sex.

If you go long enough without having it, or you’ve never had it at all, sometimes you can feel like there’s something wrong with you: if you’re too tall or too short or not well endowed enough, be that above or below the belt. If you jiggle when you walk or you can see your ribs, sometimes it’s hard to find yourself sexy. Even porn stars have off days (*hold for understanding of that awesome pun).

But seriously, it’s completely understandable if you have a day where, for whatever reason, you feel completely unattractive and maybe even worthless. It’s normal, and it’s completely nonsense. First of all, no one is supposed to feel sexy all the time. If you constantly believe yourself to be a god of sex who can bring another person to orgasm with a look, you’re a.) wrong and b.) kind of a douche bag. And I guarantee you’re creeping out the lunch lady with your prolonged stares.

There are tons of books, television shows, and creams out there that are all targeted to “Get You Feeling Sexy Now.” They’re all pitched at you to make you bigger or smaller where you’re supposed to want to be big or small. People keep trying to look good naked, to the point where they actively stress out about it. But naked people are weird. And bodies are weird, which is why we cover them with clothes. Why do you think we make nudists live in colonies? Because no one wants to see nipples all the time. The real way to look good naked is to feel good naked. It doesn’t matter if it’s a song or a third helping of lasagne or your favourite t-shirt that gets you there. It might sound cliché, but nothing is sexier than a happy naked person. It doesn’t matter how good-looking you are if you get all angsty and insecure in your birthday suit. For the love of God, it’s called a birthday suit! It should be where you’re happiest!

Leave a Reply