The Martlet

So, I’ve returned to the green, open, rabbit-infested land of Victoria after touring my wonderful American homeland.

Over the course of the summer I bounced like a pinball from state to highway-connected state in my Prius. I have to say that I miss something now that I’m back.

Canadians, I miss the crazy.

American political commentary has shown me the wonderful world of crazy and, dammit, Canada just isn’t stepping up. Come on.

The most recent example is Glenn Beck’s rage against the Oligarhy (his spelling, not mine). But there have been so many over the summer.

Some have been from the inestimable Mr. Beck, but Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, those wonderful commentators, have also come out swinging (without their medication) on a couple of occasions.

Bill Maher, on the other side of the aisle, is equally losing his mind. See, in America, we know how to deal with these guys — get a camera on them as soon as possible, especially now that all the good TV is on hiatus.

It’s not just the media. Throughout the U.S., there are roving gangs of protesters busing from town hall meeting to town hall meeting, climbing over themselves to be the first, the loudest, the most incoherent to call the local congressperson a Nazi.

These are the same people who, earlier this year, dressed up in tricorner hats and threw teabags at each other to protest high taxes, because that makes an incredible amount of sense.

Oh yeah — and if you question it, you’re a Communist.

All of this has washed over me like a beautiful multicolored tide of mania during my trip, and upon my return, I just have to ask — why aren’t Canadians stepping up?

I know they’re here, Canada. I’ve met Mark Emery. He can’t be the only one.

But if you’re having a hard time thinking up others, I can help you out. Every evening, Lloyd Robertson gets his medication taken away. We’ll give it to Kevin Newman and see how that works out. Canadian political protesters are now allowed signs or clothes — but not both.

If Hitler isn’t invoked at least three times per protest, everyone goes to bed without supper.

This national culture of respect, tolerance and thoughtfulness has to end. I mean, it’s just not entertaining enough. I know you have it in you, Canada. I know that, as a country, you can rise up and make as little sense as your neighbors to the south.

I believe in you. But remember, if you need help, I’m sure that through NAFTA we could arrange some sort of crazy import to the areas hit hardest by the sanity drought. It’s gotta be good for something.