The Martlet

The world is in the midst of the climate change debate and UVic is trying to clean up its ecological act — and now we get a melodramatic scooter advocate? I’m shocked and disappointed. 

A motorcycle is one thing; the thrill of the open road, enough storage for your camping gear, fast enough for highway driving and even enough oomph to pull a tent trailer. Plus you look like Judge Dredd.

But I’ve choked on enough fumes in traffic to hate the little two strokes some scooters have these days — not to mention how bad these engines are on the environment.

Even with paying only $3 a week for gas, a scooter is impractical. Anything you can do on a Yamaha Instant-Loser you can do on a bike, or on public transit — and it’s cheaper, healthier and greener.

Buying groceries? Stick some panniers on your road bike or throw a badass messenger bag on your back. You’re never more than a 15-minute pedal from a Fairway Market in Victoria.

Going on a date? Why don’t you both ride? You’ll build up an appetite and actually deserve that $20 steak you bought to look like a player. And she’ll be impressed with your rock-solid calves. You have to get around anyway, why not get some exercise? You’ll even get free parking.

Taking a road trip? You can’t drive on the highway if you can’t go over 65 km/h, and if your scooter is over 50 cc, or goes faster than 70 km/h, it’s a motorcycle and you need a special license.

Buddy having a kegger? You certainly shouldn’t take your scooter, that’s for sure. I’ve had enough boozy nights to know that the only safe way to stay out of the driver’s seat is not to bring one. I’m sure the cops (and your mom) would agree.

With the $1,000 to $2,500 you’d pay on craigslist or on Used Victoria for a scooter, you could buy a brand new bike with enough accessories to turn you into Lance Armstrong. A Kona Dew Deluxe like mine, designed right here in B.C., will run you $799 before tax. That includes hydraulic disc brakes, a comfortable hybrid posture and enough gears to get you up Mount Doug without breaking a sweat (well, okay, you’ll sweat, but you ate too much at Church Dinner anyway). Cool vintage bikes for the hipster are even cheaper and have low-slung frames so you can ride them in your nut-busting jeans.

You’ll also pay no insurance, and your gas money can go straight into the grocery budget. Slap on some cheap fenders to keep your butt dry, a cool-looking helmet, some bike lights for those late-night library sessions and a serious u-lock and you’re laughing. You might even want to get a cycle computer so you can convince your mom you aren’t just playing Scribblenauts all the time.

“Aw, but it’s raining,” you say. Come on, man up — do you need your mommy to come pick you up after school so you don’t catch a cold? If you don’t already own a nice MEC gore-tex, what the hell are you doing on the west coast?

You know what else bikes have? Snow tires. And what could be better cardio than slogging through two-inch slush on your way to class? Besides, you can just take the bus or carpool on the two or three days we do get snow in Victoria.

So seriously, there’s never been a better time to invest in your own two-cylinder, horsepower road hog. Maybe one day you’ll even look good in spandex.