The Martlet

I can’t think of a more sublime pleasure than taking a long, satisfying dump.

When I was young, my dad would sit on the toilet for hours and leaf through a beaten-up science fiction paperback. I didn’t understand the appeal of spending that long in the bathroom, as it seemed to me a necessary and smelly chore that cut into my playtime.

But as I’ve grown older, and particularly since I’ve become acquainted with the joys of heavy drinking, I’ve grown to love the time I spend on the toilet. I think people underestimate the joys of excretion. It occurred to me recently that most of my greatest pleasures in life involve forcibly expelling something from my body.

If you think about it, pooping may be humanity’s destiny. There is nothing we produce more regularly, and more universally, than crap. Some people create beautiful works of art, others construct skyscrapers or pave roads or write music. But there is one thing the entirety of humanity has in common: shitting.

That’s why I’ve decided to embrace my love of one of our basest human functions. I call my new philosophy The Shit Doctrine, which calls for raised awareness of our excrement.

While researching this topic, I came across poopreport.com, an entire website devoted to the joys of shitting. With topics like “Poop for Peace,” “The Shameless Shitting Manifesto” and “Flush with Pride” proudly displayed on the screen, I thought for sure I’d found some kindred spirits. It even had a database of movie poop scenes.

Then I found this quotation: “Rich or poor, black or white, Muslim or Christian or Jew, shitting is a shared human experience with no cultural boundaries. The pleasure and the pain of shitting is something to which all humanity can relate. Such a transcendent experience has the power to unify humanity.”

Preach it! I shit, therefore I am.

In Angela’s Ashes, one of my favorite books, a character remarks that when World War II and the Holocaust seem too overwhelming to take, just think about Himmler and Goebbels and Hitler taking a shit.

It’s a powerful image. Amidst all the chaos, violence and horror, try to think about Hitler grunting and sweating as he tries to squeeze out an uncomfortably solid log. “Nein, nein,” he mutters under his breath, mopping his brow with the back of his hand.

I see The Shit Doctrine as a humbling philosophy, one that equalizes each and every one of us. That hot girl on campus? She shits. Barack Obama? He shits. Angelina Jolie, your grandmother, Buddhist monks — they all regularly spend time pushing on the porcelain. Nobody escapes.

So why fight it any longer?

Embrace your humanity, appreciate your connection to the rest of the world and take a couple extra moments on the toilet next time. You can even bring a book.