The Martlet

Looking to sex up your bedroom but lacking the funds (or guts) to thrust yourself into a novelty shop? The Martlet’s done the dirty work for you.

We tried out a cross-section of sex toys (most provided by locally owned and operated at-home sex toy company JoyToy) to find out just what worked and what left some wanting more.

Due to the overwhelming response for this feature we couldn’t fit it all in (ahem) this week. Stay tuned next issue for more steamy reviews, tips on safety, an interview with the owners of JoyToy and how to find the 99-cent option to pricey playthings. Meanwhile, for more info, visit joytoyproducts.com. Consider this your foreplay.

Smartvibe Mini

I’ve never been big on masturbation. There’s no particular reason, I just like someone else getting me off. As for vibrators, well, they’ve always made me a little nervous.

The “Smartvibe Mini” is much less intimidating to a first-time user than more eccentric vibrators. At about six and a half inches long and four inches in circumference at its widest, the Mini doesn’t have the bells and whistles of fancier models, but it does have a curved top for g-spot stimulation — which does work, by the way.

Made of silicone, the Mini is easy to clean. It’s also waterproof and has a variety of speeds. The lower settings are great for clitoral stimulation, while the higher ones can provide an intense orgasm during insertion. And the buttons are conviently located on the bottom of the shaft for easy access. I found the best results came from using one hand to hold the Mini inside (on a high setting), while using the other hand to rub my clit.

Has the Mini turned me into a masturbation maniac? Not really. It’s no replacement for the real thing: I still prefer sex with someone else to sex with myself. But the Mini does get the job done when the real thing just isn’t an option.

We-Vibe

The “We-Vibe” may have made the grade for 2008’s sex toy of the year, but how it buzzed its way there remains a mystery to me.

The We is a small vibrator designed to fit inside the vagina and on top of the clit, in a paperclip sort of fashion. It works as both a solo and a couple’s toy, as the lower vibrating section is small enough to allow room for other insertable objects (i.e. a penis or a dildo) — and it’s completely hands off.

For something that looks like a purple suckling alien, perhaps it’s not so bad — at least it wouldn’t be if it had more than two speeds: fine and okay. “Low” feels more like a bee tickling around, while “high” feels like that same bee on crack. And since we all know no two vaginas are alike, that whole paperclip thing doesn’t hit the hotspot for everyone, nor can everyone actually manage to shove another item in beside it comfortably. Leaving something buzzing your vag with little or no personal interaction ultimately falls flaccid.

That’s not to say the We doesn’t have good features. Certainly, the waterproof silicone cover gives the illusion of versatility, though beware of submerging the device — its power outlet hole will allow water seepage. The plug-in powercord means you never need batteries, and a quick recharge isn’t far away. But recharging the We takes hours, and those weakly-pleasuring vibes only last 20 minutes or less, so for longwinded sessions plan on resorting to finger action.

Mantric Bedroom Bunny

Don’t have a partner? Don’t need one. The “Mantric Bedroom Bunny” is everything you’d ever want in a sex toy, and (save the kissing) this plaything will do just about everything except wash your bed sheets when it’s over.

The Bunny, a vibrating branch toy, really does have it all: a dildo with a rotating head and g-spot-stimulating beads, a vibrating bunny that hovers over your clit, a finger-grasp handle to maintain your grip and, possibly best of all, everything is fully adjustable.

I may be speaking from a biased slate (after our first time together I did fall deeply in lust with my Bunny), but in this case, one size really can fit all — with a beautifully tapered dildo and vibrating bunny ears, it’s your choice how hard, fast, deep, or soft you take your love-making session. And since the easy-to-reach controls allow you to adjust both the speed of the rotations and vibrations separately (not to mention the “reverse” button that lets you to throw everything into retrograde), sex with yourself won’t be getting old anytime soon.

If the safety of the pearly-pink Bunny’s waterproof medical-grade silicone doesn’t comfort you enough, the knowledge that four AA batteries can last for hours in this thing certainly will.

Sure, it might not pay for your dinner, but for anyone still looking for a date this Valentine’s Day, the Bunny is best partner you’ll ever take home.

Colt Power Stroker

The texture of this grenade-shaped prop goes a long way to making you feel like you’ve finally penetrated something more than a pie.

If you put a little lube on the tip of your head and dribble a bit inside the hole, the silicone of the “Stroker” will slide down your shaft and wrap around you like your hand never could. However, it takes some erectional fortitude to pull this all off without losing your stiffy (it takes two hands to hold the lube bottle and the Stoker at the same time). Knowing the feeling that comes next should hold you over though.

That said, unless you’ve warmed up your lube, sticking your member into chilly black hole might make feel like you could be inside a corpse. But after a little bit of friction the sensation gets warmer and more lifelike. It’s not long after you get lost in the reverie of soft mucus-like noises that you’re ready to lie back and let go. Get some travel going to your stroke, and the top end of the grenade will clutch around your head as you poke in and out of the hole — that’s when you start to lose it a little.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be you slamming the Stroker — allowing a partner to do it for you, and the suspense of how fast and hard they want to go, could get you off into intense orgasm territory.

Clean-up is quite easy. Just run it under water and use your thumb to plunge the hole of any semen. You can turn it inside out if you’re careful too. This thing is da bomb.

Jac Off Pad

Gentlemen, sometimes you just feel the need to escape the drudgery of another date with Palmela Handerson. The “Jac Off” pad will allow you to trick yourself into thinking you’re not the only one who ever touches your penis.

It’s pretty easy to handle. You can lay the Jac Off on your thigh and dole out a little lube with one hand, while the other can still be prepping for show time with your purple love-pad.

Once you’ve wrapped it around your shaft, it’s hard to cast off the notion you’ve just prepared a dick-flavoured crêpe. Also, the small bumps on this silicon aid are pretty pliable, so expect to be loved tenderly. You’ll have to grip yourself pretty hard to overcome the squishy softness of the Jac Off.

It does its job though. You really get a break from the feeling of your own hand. How skillfully your moves are determines how much quicker, if at all, you get off. It’s also fairly noisy if you’ve used liberal amounts of lube, so you might find yourself a little more turned on by the sex-like sounds.

It’s low maintenance enough to be ready for next time after you wash it off with some soapy water.

The Jac Off is at least worthy of an occasional affair on Palmela.

The Flirt Anal Plug

First of all, let me dispel the notion that if you are a guy, and there is something in your butt, you are gay.

Unfortunately, the negative stigma is probably the main reason that most guys are scared shitless about using anal toys. Call it whatever you like: male G-spot, P-spot, A-spot. It’s there, and it loves to be stimulated. Located about an inch inside the rectum, it is one of a guy’s many erogenous zones that rarely get explored.

“The Flirt” by Tantus is a great beginner’s butt plug that needs just enough coaxing to be fun, but not any amount of force to make it uncomfortable. In a variety of colours (purple, pearl orange and black), the Flirt is very unassuming and non-threatening.

It’s made off 100 per cent medical-grade silicone that is non-porous, so it stays clean. It can be fully sterilized (in a pot of boiling water), and it won’t leach any harmful chemicals into your body like cheap toys can. I used it with a partner, and with her riding cowgirl, and it felt amazing. It doesn’t heighten existing sensations, but instead adds an entirely different feeling that definitely hits the spot.

If you are even curious about anal, use lots of lube and a finger or two first – if that feels good, grab the Flirt and try it solo. When you’re comfortable with it by yourself, bring it to the next romp, and let the fun begin.

Share Double-Ended Dildo

Every woman should have a cock. Whatever your sexuality, they come in handy.

I bought mine a year ago — my first sex toy purchase. I was fucking a lesbian and worried that if toys came up and I had nothing, she’d think I was vanilla. Before her, I’d only been with bi men and women — never somebody decisive enough to sleep with only one sex.

In a flurry of imagined expectation, I bought a “Share” — a double-ended silicon dildo worn without a harness. It’s the same V-shape as a Feeldoe, only without the vibrator option (vibrators scare me). The wearer’s end is bulbous and stays put with the help of some strong pelvic muscles. The other end is seven inches that never gets soft.

I never had the pleasure of using the Share toy with my lesbian friend, though knowing I had it somehow increased my confidence with her. The only cock we ever used in bed was at her place: a flimsy pink strap-on with a nylon harness. It didn’t stay in place and ended up getting tossed aside pretty fast.

With more recent lovers, I’ve pulled out the Share for safer/casual sex with men (less risk of infection, and less emotional to use a toy than the real thing). When a guy uses it on me, he holds the short end and uses it like any dildo.

I’ve yet to find a guy who will let me fuck him with it; but if that’s what I wanted, I would have got a Feeldo, which comes in a variety of widths.

The Share is best in the role I bought it for: me wearing it and a lady loving it. We both get lots of pleasure and can cum together without the hassle of passing a toy back and forth or adjusting straps.

Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit

I’ve always felt too masculine to really be femme. I hate skirts and bright colours, and I’ve always secretly wanted a cock — so what’s not to like about strap ons?

This package was a welcome introduction into the world of having a penis. After admiring myself in the mirror for awhile, I decided to turn on the vibrating bullet that rests in the front. I nearly melted. The bullet has a top speed that really did it for me, but it’s one of those cheap watch battery operated ones that doesn’t last nearly long enough to get the job done.

The harness is comfortable, but if you have some dexterity and really want to get use out of the vibrating bullet that slips into the front, you might want to reinforce the strap snaps just a little — they don’t stand up to rigorous tightening during play, and having one of the snaps disengage sends the attachment in a less than desirable direction. Ahem.

The attachments that come with the package include one small dong meant for anal play, and another slightly larger one that could also be anal-minded, but could be used to sex up a female lover. If an additional larger attachment was included in the package, I wouldn’t complain — but I’m a bit of a size queen. Other Tantus sleeves and dildos can also fit in the harness to fulfill the needs of those with my inclinations.

I’m already a Tantus fan, but reasonably so — I have a sleeve that I use with my RU-80mm vibrating bullet. All Tantus toys are made with silicone and are more pleasant than some of the cheaper dildos and dongs that come with novelty-geared toy sets.

Under the Bed Restraint System

Interested in bondage, but too afraid of the stigma, cost and bedroom remodelling required? If so, then the “Under the Bed Restraint System” might be for you.

This beginner’s kit gives you everything you need to get started without breaking the bank or destroying your bedroom. For about $75, you get four padded cuffs, four 60-inch restraint straps and one 60-inch connector strap — all of which are adjustable. Just slide the assembly between the mattress and the box-spring and adjust accordingly.

Once the kit is in place, the possibilities are limitless. You can use the straps in typical splayed style (one limb stretched out to each corner of the bed), or use them to get into previously-unimagined positions. The straps and cuffs are more than sturdy enough to accommodate even the most innovative users.

Perhaps one of the system’s best features comes after you’ve finished using it. The kit can be tucked discreetly between the mattress and bedspring, saving you from embarrassment and awkward explanations.

The Under the Bed Restraint System is a great investment for beginner bondage fetishists. It’s easy to set up and use, good value for your money and discreet. So, get out there and get tied up.

Silver Ball Tickler

If there existed a “Bondage Fairy,” who goes from house to house leaving restraints and feather dusters under the pillows of good girls and boys, the “Sportsheets Silver Ball Tickler” would be the plastic toy replica of her leather bondage wand.

A black plastic shaft with five or six short lengths of chrome bead chain comprise this contraption. Its name’s clever double entendre belies its flimsy construction, but it delivers what it promises (on both levels).

The intended purpose is to run the beads over your partner’s body for sexy tickling fun; in all likelihood, however, you’ll end up going straight for the nipples — not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Do not hit people with the Tickler, though. The wand is quite flimsy, and you may damage it. Additionally, the sensation can quickly go from “meh” to excruciating, owing to the chains’ inconsistent whipping motion. To make the tickler more interesting, take the advice of its packaging and use hot or ice water to vary the beads’ temperature, causing unique sensations.

Whether you’re looking for lighthearted fun, intense bondage action, or just something vaguely menacing and sexy to hold in your teeth when you’re on top, the Tickler is a welcome addition to any dungeon or filthy, shameful box under your mattress.