The Martlet

I often cringe at the sight of high heels. Especially the sort most people can barely even walk in — stilettos and pumps in particular.

Really, what’s the point? I have asked many people that, and they all generally give me the same ridiculous answer. Women say that it makes them feel sexy. Men say they make women look tall, thin and — of course — sexy.

I used to wear heels, but it was short-lived. I bought my first pair when I was 16. They were small kitten heels. Then I got boots that were a bit higher.

I wanted to fit in and, more importantly, to look older than I really was. I barely wore them because they were so unbelievably uncomfortable. One night, I managed to wear them for about 15 minutes before I ran home and tore them off as my feet were aching so horribly.

I cannot understand why women go through such great lengths and pain to wear these things. If something is excruciating and it takes a lot of practice and experience (and quite possibly some acquired skill), then why on earth wear them in the first place?

I see many people around campus hobbling about in these hideous things. I feel like I need to stand behind them, just in case they fall. On the days I feel no pity, I enjoy speed walking past them as they slowly wobble to and fro, just so they can see how fortunately comfortable I am in my nice little wedged-boots, or perhaps something a little more practical to wear to campus, like sandals or flats. I mean, what possible reason can there be for wearing heels to class in the first place?

I have had many people in my life try to convince me to wear heels. I laugh in their face. Me? Wear heels? I can’t imagine depending on a thin four-inch heel to hold up my body weight. The idea of wearing something a bit more practical, like gum boots, definitely attracts me more.

My boots have a little wedge to them, but it is a flat heel — the sort where I can appear slightly taller, but I can at least walk on rocks, or even flat ground, without needing to rest. I am able to come home at the end of the day and not have to rub my feet down. I prefer to have my feet spend the entire day in comfort, not turning purple.

And I take solace in the thought that, if someone were to ever attack me, I would be able to successfully run away or escape.

It would also be interesting to find out what the various physical side effects are in wearing heels. Other than severe pain, there must be ankle and foot problems (hello bunions) that arise in the long run.

If there are any women out there who claim that heels are comfortable, let’s see them wear them as they go for their morning run or lift some weights in the gym.

Stilettos are absolutely foolish, and no woman should need to inflict physical pain on herself in order to feel sexy.