The Martlet

Sure, I’ve done it. I’ve worn tights instead of pants. But it’s also been in the context of eating copious amounts of nacho chips while watching reruns of Gilmore Girls — an activity that I also do while in my underwear.

Or, I’ve done it while pirouetting across a stage — something I probably wouldn’t do in my underwear, but that’s beside the point.

“These are not activities that transform tights into pants; these are historically acceptable acts of pantslessness,” says the website TightsAreNotPants.com. “Tights as pants are the fashion equivalent of too much information.”

The subject of tights as pants seems to have come up almost weekly as of late. Why now is this all of a sudden an issue — or rather, why is it all of a sudden acceptable to go without pants?

If your excuse is that Edie Sedgwick did it, then you had better pair those tights will a leotard as well.

On the flip side, tight shirts have never seemed to be an issue — and shirts have the whole breast issue to deal with. But people wearing anything overly tight makes me uncomfortable.

I find it hard to breathe looking at them — and not in a “that took my breath away” way, more like an “if you can’t take full breaths in your outfit, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate” way.

I never thought I had a problem with tights as pants until I was stuck walking behind a girl wearing grey nylons. I’m not sure if her skirt was still waiting in the dryer, but honestly. Of course I stared at her. I was able to evaluate which parts of her needed more work at the gym and which parts really just needed a good pair of underwear. And to those of you who wear nylons as pants, I’m not the only one who stares.

So, I decided to give it a try. I had this thought one day as I was working out in dance class, so when it was over I hit the streets in my sweaty tights.

I’ll admit, it wasn’t a completely thought-out experiment. I figured as soon as I pranced down the stairs and onto the pavement, there would be all kinds of gawking, fake coughing, whistling and other such responses.

Maybe it was my uncomfortable shuffle that didn’t attract this attention or maybe I didn’t look as sexy as I thought — which is a real possibility. Perhaps tights as pants aren’t as shocking or scandalous as I understand them to be.

I tapped my toe, while waiting for the bus. Nothing. I stuck my bum out a bit, hoping to get at least a stare to prove my point. Nothing.

The only byproduct of my experience was that I had the overwhelming urge to bust a move, Audrey Hepburn-style.

I rode the bus incident-free. My stop came. I pulled the string. I rose from my seat and stepped to the door. I took one last look back — then I saw a creepy old man staring at my bum. He met my eyes and gave me a “you wore those tights for me” grin.

Game over.

It made me a little sad because in all honesty, I love the feeling of wearing tights. They are the comfiest piece of non-clothing I own.

I will admit that I am fine with black leggings — as long as they are paired with a shirt long enough to reach that fatty bulge where the tights cut into your muffin top. We all have this in some degree or another, but we don’t really need to ogle at it.

Tights are, however, a way to wear shorter skirts while keeping your dignity intact.

(For the record, this is a hint to those of you who wear miniskirts with bare legs in November. Put on a pair of tights, please. You’re making me shiver.)

There are entire websites dedicated to discussing this topic. Some people even admit to fetishes about women’s hosiery.

But really, it is up to you. If you like people gawking at your girly parts and assessing your fitness level, let ‘er rip.