The Martlet

I have a problem. I am addicted to drinking and dialing.

It only takes three or four beers. Maybe even just a shot of 151. Then all of a sudden I can’t resist the urge to duck out of a party, to hide in a closet or lay on a sidewalk. I paw my way through my contact list hoping to find someone who will put up with my inane rambling. Often I’ll just send out 10 random text messages. Or maybe I’ll call that girl I promised I was never going to call again. Ever. But either way, my phone becomes a major social liability.

The worst is the next morning, when I scroll through my call history and see a deluge of phone calls made between the hours of 2 and 3 a.m. It’s hard to know the proper etiquette in this situation. Do I call and apologize? Or do I let sleeping dogs lie?

While some friends may find my behaviour amusing and may welcome a 10-minute interruption to their peaceful sleep, there are others who need to start work early the next day. Or they may simply have no time for my intoxicated affections. Once in a while I find a drunk-dialing kindred who loves to babble with me, but those are hard to find. The majority just hang up and wait to yell at me the next day.

I know this isn’t an isolated phenomenon. Everyone struggles with it from time to time. Urban Dictionary defines drunk dialing as “the inevitable process of calling a romantic interest while intoxicated to confess random thoughts about absolutely nothing. Usually, you will sound very stupid and pathetic.”

Amen.

But my drunk-dialing isn’t restricted to ex-girlfriends and new crushes — I’ll pretty much call anyone in my contact list. Sometimes in my half-blind daze of late night intoxication I’ll just pick up the phone and press buttons until someone says hello.

Turns out, you can get an application for your iPhone that will encrypt your contacts ahead of time, so you don’t mistakenly call your boss or your ex-girlfriend while you’re shit-faced. Another solution is to just hide your phone, give it to a trusted friend, or leave it at home when you go out.

Relationships can end over a drunken phone call. Friendships can be stretched to the snapping point. Not to mention there’s the chance you’ll run up your phone bill calling long-distance without a plan.

My friends used to forbid me from using my phone while I was drinking, because too often I would end up crying behind a nightclub or disappearing into my bedroom for an hour. Once my friend Brandon found me huddled in my closet under a blanket, scared my friends would interrupt my deep, intense conversation.

The first month of school is always a little crazy. Things can get out of hand. But whether you’re going to a concert, partying in your dorm or getting hammered at Felicita’s, maybe it’s time to start practicing some cell phone self-control.