The Martlet

Now, before I start dealing out the advice you’re all pining for, let me slap a warning label on this bitch.

Don’t date people in your classes. Seriously, don’t do it. It’s a horrible idea that will inevitably end in pain. Let’s just say being forced to see someone a) you no longer want to see naked, or b) who no longer wants to see you naked, can be a tad uncomfortable.

Now that that’s over with, we can get to the part where you attempt to get laid. Let’s be serious here, people: going to your classes and trying not to mack on the people there is like going to the strippers’ and closing your eyes. It just ain’t going to happen.

For most students, class time is pretty much the only opportunity to integrate with prospective mates in a venue that is well lit and doesn’t involve the very real possibility of alcohol-induced vomit. The classroom environment also gives that perceived air of intelligence. I mean, you have to be smart to have gotten this far, right?

Wrong. That’s why the first step to in-class dating is to choose your classes wisely. Different subjects will breed different kinds of tail. For instance, if you are an agile young engineer in the market for a lady, consider taking an elective outside of your faculty.

Step two: Acquire a target. This, my friends, is a process. First you have to find someone who looks potentially screwable, and then you have to scout out the situation. Does your future prospect seem to already have a friend in class? If so, pick another. This is the jungle, people, and it is not easy to integrate into a pack. If this person seems to be like a lone gazelle on a barren savannah, continue to observe. This period of observation can last anywhere from a few days to a week, and is arguably the most difficult of the steps. To be frank, you can end up looking like a huge creep. I have no advice to avoid this; I am looking for some myself.

Step three: Attack. To set up a successful attack, it is wise to have attempted to exchange smiles or sultry glances with your future prospect. If these efforts have been successful, you are clear for landing. For a bold approach, simply ask, “Is this seat taken?” and then proceed to introduce yourself (“Hi, my name is _” is an age-old and severely underrated icebreaker). For those with significantly less cojones, you can always plop down next to them and, after a few moments of tentative anxiety, calmly ask “Hey, do you know what day it is?” whilst placing pen to notepad. Choosing a day to attack on which an assignment is due is also a particularly effective tactic, in that you can strike up a conversation inquiring as to the status of the individual’s homework. “Which essay topic did you choose?” is always a good go-to for us Arts majors.

Step four: Develop a rapport. If the conversation flows, go with it. Sit next to that fine thing for a couple classes and eventually lay down some flirting. Remember champs, it’s daylight — so nothing too aggressive.

Step five: Go for the kill. They haven’t run to the other side of the class and they’re actually laughing at the poor impression you do of a geriatric British professor. Nice going, Sly. It’s time to ask them out. Coffee dates are convenient and friendly, but if you want to keep it class- specific, go for a study sesh. They’re quaint and unassuming, and there’s always the chance that you might actually learn something — even if it’s just a little anatomy.

If you do manage to get some academic-inspired nookie, there is the likelihood that the relationship may end just as quickly as it began. That’s a time period that could very well be outlived by the duration of the semester, and let me tell you folks — that shit can get awkward. Nevertheless, happy hunting.