New Year’s resolutions assessed in March

HUMOUR — We all make New Year’s resolutions. The problem is we usually abandon them around the time of year that we all get sick of being better people — say, early January.

But this year, for me, is different. This year, I made a New Year’s resolution for my resolutions: I decided that I would check in on them throughout the year to make sure that I was making progress and continuing to be the best — the best new — the best new good — the most best new good me.

1: Eat healthier 

First of all: I tried. I really did. I went to a natural foods store, and the clerks there were very helpful and very slim. They showed me the difference between quinoa and couscous, they gave me tips on how to pick out the best organic tomatoes and they recommended healthy snacks like a gluten-free soy-flavoured nacho chip brand called ¡Soy Loco! In fact, these people at the natural foods store were so helpful, showing me down every single aisle of the store, that by the time I got home I was exhausted. Too exhausted to cook dinner. So I ordered a pizza.

I asked the Domino’s guy if the tomatoes were organic, but he said he wasn’t sure and would I hurry the hell up and finish my order, so in the end I just got a Meatlovers.

2: Exercise more

When the pizza got delivered to the lobby of my apartment, I took the stairs.

3: Get involved with campus politics

This one didn’t go exactly as planned, but that’s okay — in fact, it worked out great. See, I went to a senate meeting on campus, and it was truly enlightening. When the meeting began, the speaker made a lot of very good points about financial independence, being “our own bosses” and the health benefits of a new “miracle product” called Better Life acai berry juice.

As it turns out, I had gone to the wrong building on campus and ended up sitting through a multi-level marketing event by mistake. Long story short, I am now a Better Life Rookie Associate, and if anybody reading is interested in joining the Better Life family using my referral code, it would really help me get closer to becoming a Diamond Associate. Have you ever wanted to be your own boss? Be completely financially independent? Sell a great-tasting miracle product? Now is your chance!

4: Quit getting roped into stupid pyramid schemes

This one’s gone pretty well so far!

5: Be more kind to others

I wanted to use 2013 as an opportunity to really effect change in my life. And I think it’s going great. See, I think we create the tension and the pain we suffer in this world, and that’s why this year I resolved to be kind and caring towards everybody. To be a giver, not a grump. To see the goodness in the hearts of all mankind; to embrace every single person in my life who makes each and every day special and worth experiencing.

Except for the guy who sits behind me in English class and kicks the back of my chair. I hope he falls into an open manhole filled with fire ants.

6: Start watching Lost

This was my last resolution, and it turned out to be the best one of all. Now I know what all the fuss was about! I just finished the first season last night, and it’s actually a really, really good show. I can’t wait to find out the answers to all these mysteries they’re setting up!

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