Please and spank you: why being polite in the bedroom is the best decision you’ve never made

What is it about bumping uglies that makes some people behave so ugly? As Canadians, we often pride ourselves on being friendly, but more than anything, we pride ourselves on being polite. We are the true north strong and nice. We are always giving out pleases and thank-yous and are known for being generous tippers. While we are a compilation of ethnicities and genders and backgrounds, you can recognize any Canadian by their compulsive need to open doors for strangers.

However, you might be surprised by what areas our nation’s inherent generosity does not naturally lend itself to, and by that I mean the bedroom. To all of you selfish lovers out there—I am looking at you. Look, I get that sex isn’t easy. You might take sex-ed classes when you’re younger, but no one actually tells you what to do when you get there. As much as they might teach you the basic anatomy, they never really teach you the basics: what to do and what not to do. There’s often no clear standard of acceptable behaviour. But that doesn’t mean that you should get what you want and get out of dodge. Luckily for you, I pride myself on saying what needs to be said, so I want to explore some of the things that are absolutely unacceptable when you’re getting down and dirty.

To start off, stop trying to be subtle. Subtlety is dead. Do not, under any circumstances, try to manoeuvre your partner’s head to where you want it. There is nothing less sexy than feeling like someone is trying to drown you in his or her genitals. If you want something, ask for it. Give them whiplash with your communication skills and then maybe, just maybe they might repay the favour. But don’t expect anything. I don’t care if it’s the third date or the 300th date. Nobody gets to expect anything. You’re lucky if you get kissed, let alone laid. Entitlement isn’t sexy, it’s indentured servitude.

Also, know how much tongue is too much. Tasting your passion is great, tasting your stomach acid isn’t. And the most important thing on this list? Be enthusiastic. Bring out the metaphorical pompoms and cheer the shit out of the person you’re banging. Or bring out the literal pompoms and use them as props while you’re being supportive. By all means, if they’re not doing something right, gently lead them in the right direction. Pretty fucking basic people: use please and thank you. We are Canadian. This is our bread and butter.

Look, I’m not trying to make you paranoid, and I’m not saying everyone is an inherently selfish lover. But I am saying there is a reason why Hannibal Lector killed and ate the rude people first. So if you’re not getting what you want in the bedroom and you’re wondering why, maybe take a look at your own actions (or inactions). Sex is a reciprocal act—you don’t have to necessarily care about the other person emotionally, but you do have to care about their pleasure, not just your own.

You can only get away with being a jerk in bed for so long. Ultimately, you’re better off to be a really nice person and horrible in bed, but willing to learn. You can be an asshole and amazing in bed, but a person can only put up with so much. The next time you’re in bed, pay some extra special attention to your partner. Think of them first. Show some true patriot love to your fellow patriot, and hopefully you’ll see thee rise.

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