Six ways to ensure you don’t trip before the finish line this semester

1 Don’t sleep

Sleep is the enemy; do you really think you do anything productive when you sleep? You don’t have time to lie around all night. Fight back with caffeine pills, drugs you buy off the street, and snorting coffee grounds.

2 Suck up to your professors by buying them gifts

By “suck up,” I mean break into their house, and by “buying gifts,” I mean steal their test answers.

3 Eat a proper university student diet

Trying to eat a proper diet now will only upset your stomach and make it wonder what the hell is going on. Stick to your usual ramen, McDonalds, leftover ramen, and leftover McDonalds.

4 Stay connected

Friends and selfies are your lifeline. Keep in touch by keeping Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Google+ open at all times, while constantly posting about your whereabouts, activities, and favourite cat videos.

5 If needed, ask the librarians for assistance

Scream and collapse sobbing at the help desk to gain quick, friendly service.

6 Leave everything to the last possible minute

Human brains work at their peak when flooded with fight-or-flight chemicals. To increase these chemicals, buy a cougar and keep it in your workspace.

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