Taliban ordered to vacate Qatar office

HUMOUR — After months of tense negotiations, the Taliban has announced that its office in Qatar will be closed.

The office space was leased to facilitate ongoing negotiations with the United States. These talks, vital to the stability of the region, had been going well according to Farrouk Al Hassan, better known by his fundamentalist hip-hop pseudonym, G-Hadi. “The meetings would only descend into gunfights once a week,” said Al Hassan. “We had been making real inroads with the infidels after establishing some common ground in regards to season four of Breaking Bad.”

But earlier this week, Al Hassan announced, “After several counterproductive and condescending emails, as well as an extremely unprofessional phone conversation, we have decided that our current arrangement is no longer satisfactory.”

The 300-square-foot office space leased by the Taliban from landlord Ibrahim Ahmed “will be sorely missed” according to Al Hassan. “It is hard to find a place in Qatar with air conditioning and in-suite laundry,” he said. “It’s so convenient. Also, the airport is only a hand grenade’s throw away. It will be hard, but at least we won’t have to listen to the infidels upstairs with the subwoofer anymore.”

It is believed that the Taliban and Ahmed ran into difficulties after Taliban secretary Mohammed Kahn and Ahmed had an altercation. The exact details of the altercation are still hazy. However, Ahmed told the press that one morning a senior Taliban staffer had dished out his morning tirade of hateful anecdotes and hand gestures to him.

“At first I thought this might be a greeting, and since I did not want to come off as an ungracious host to my Afghani guests, I said nothing,” said Ahmed. “But the third time he implied my mother was a goat and my father was the son of a fishmonger was one time too many. I snapped and told them that if they were such hardcore fundamentalists, then why did I always hear Lady Ga Ga coming from their apartment?”

After the exchange, relations between the Taliban and Ahmed soured. The Taliban agents retaliated the only way they knew how. Grinning immodestly, Kahn gloated, “We set a bag of feces aflame on his doorstep. He stamped it out, and as a result his infidel foot was covered in filth.”

Their victory proved to be short-lived.

“He was very angry,” said Kahn. “He threatened to get the police involved, but after he saw our bomb factory in the bathroom, he ran away. We didn’t hear from him until he emailed us in the morning that we had been evicted.”

By all accounts, the Taliban did try to make amends. These attempts at reconciliation went awry after the gift bouquet they had delivered to Ahmed exploded. It is believed that this package was meant for the U.S. embassy, as the American ambassador reported he received a “lovely bouquet and a very nice card” earlier that day.

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