The Student Bawdy: The ugly, inconceivable, committed truth

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Sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes it just happens. And sometimes you don’t even see it coming. The ugly truth, my friends, is that sometimes you end up a convict of that dreaded institution we all know so well: the relationship

One minute you’re happy and free as a bird, coasting on a selfish tangent and living life like one long Vegas weekend. Then bam! Infatuation hits you in the back of the head like a shovel in a mobster film, and soon you’re sinking in an ocean full of monogamous fish.

What does this mean for my sex life, you ask? Well, therein lies the ugliest truth of all. Relationship sex is probably the best sex you will ever have. I’m sad to tell you this, folks, because in a perfect world the best sex would be the totally uninhibited knocking of boots you have with handsome strangers in situations that make you feel like James Bond. To put it simply, practice makes perfect, and the more sex you have with one person, the better both of you will become at pushing each other’s desired buttons. One can only perfect the strangest, most perverse sexual techniques with years of practice and a very forgiving partner.

As much as I hate to admit it, the lovey-dovey, disgusting way you feel when you look into the eyes of your significant other also makes sex better. You get all full of feelings, and suddenly coitus feels like the most beautiful thing in the world.

It’s not. It’s two people mashing their privates together, and your hormones are lying to you. But despite the chemical dishonesty of your body, enjoy it while it lasts. There’s only one way you can experience this frequency and quality of truly great sex, and it requires a lot of freakin’ work. You can have good sex outside of a relationship, but not to the mind-blowing level that you reach in a relationship. Either way, if your privates are getting tingled — be it in the confines of monogamy or under the pretenses of risk-taking behaviour — be happy you’re getting some. There are people out there who think cunnilingus is a type of sea amphibian

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