This is the ONLY way to live in Victoria!

Local news staff discovers ways to cut down on rent that landlords will HATE!

Stock photo via Pixabay.

Everyone knows that the Victoria housing market is causing many aspiring and current residents to contemplate new and innovative ways to save funds and cut down on costs. Martlet staff are no exception to this, and have made the recent decision to split the expenses of a bachelor suite.

“You’d be surprised as to how well it works out,” says Martlet Editor-in-Chief Amanda Dawdle, lease holder of the apartment. “We order pizza in every night and we all watch either The Graduate, Dead Poets Society, a French language film (with subtitles), or anything by Wes Anderson. We order enough alcohol that we end up getting a bulk discount, so even though it’s our number one expense after coffee beans, we’re saving quite a bit of money.”

“It works out to about 750 square feet in total, not including the space on the floor allocated to hotplates and abandoned laundry. Divided by 23 that works out to over 30 square feet each.”

Brian O’Tarmac — former Editor-in-Chief for the Martlet who has been living in the apartment to assure an ease of transition — has been instrumental in arranging furniture and reallocating bunks. He says that “tiered hammocks have been the best way to maximize communal floor space. The pad we’ve been renting was so cheap because they weren’t accounting for the height of the ceiling — their loss.”  

Martlet staff say that O’Tarmac wakes up every night screaming about incomplete crossword puzzles, so his ability to organize columns and rows are not in question.

Ashton Williams, the Martlet’s newly elected Director of Interior Design says that “it works out to about 750 square feet in total, not including the space on the floor allocated to hotplates and abandoned laundry. Divided by 23 that works out to over 30 square feet each. Which isn’t too bad if you think about it.”

Ashton appears to be correct, even if he’s chosen to use the Imperial system. Three square meters can accommodate anything from a standard-sized bathtub to 90 kilograms of unread, unloved, and unneeded Martlet issues.

“We shave quite a bit off our bills by repurposing certain pieces of cutlery and tableware found at campus eateries, like the Tim Hortons in the basement of the SUB.”

“And that’s not all,” says penniless failed vegan Mitchell Schott-Briggs, “we shave quite a bit off our bills by repurposing certain pieces of cutlery and tableware found at campus eateries that we often accidentally find ourselves in possession of. Yeah, some people collect spoons from different States, I have a spoon from Felicita’s, the Health Food Bar, the secret Tim Hortons in the basement of the SUB, Munchie Bar, and pretty much every place on campus where a spoon can be found.

“All I need to complete the set is one of the spoons Jamie Cassels owns. You’ll see him walking around using them to eat yoghurt or granola out of a mason jar, and it’s clear that they aren’t spoons from any known faculty lounge or UVic quote-restaurant-unquote. No. He brings them from home. That’s what I want to graduate here with.

“Jamie, if you’re reading this, please give me one of your spoons when I leave this place. If I have even a single spoon of yours this educational endeavor will have been worth my while.”

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