TransLink to slap toll on Jeff Bridges

BURNABY (CUP HUMOUR) — Despite taking heat over increasing tolls on major Lower Mainland roads in the fall of 2012, transportation giant TransLink has said that it is planning to toll even more bridges this year.

In a plan sure to spark controversy, TransLink’s board of directors has revealed that they plan to place new tolls not only on the Golden Ears, Pattullo and Port Mann bridges, but also on Hollywood actor Jeff Bridges.

TransLink defended the toll on Jeff Bridges, star of films such as True Grit, Crazy Heart and The Last Picture Show, as “undesirable but necessary.”

“The need for these tolls is unavoidable,” said TransLink chairperson Dale Parker. “Jeff Bridges has been a versatile actor, musician and producer for over 40 years. Without these tolls, our continued operation of Jeff Bridges would be unsustainable, and we may find his rugged good looks deteriorating as early as 2027.”

TransLink hasn’t finalized an official toll structure, but a draft toll proposal was leaked to The Peak on Tuesday.

The tentative plan calls for a $4 charge for anyone who watches a Jeff Bridges film. Anyone who quotes The Big Lebowski or dresses up as The Dude for Halloween or a party will be charged $6. Anyone who feels the urge to buy a car after listening to Bridges’ powerful, commanding voice on a Hyundai commercial will be charged $2. Each individual use of either the word Jeff or Bridges will also carry with it a 25-cent charge. This article would cost $5.75.

Motorcyclists will be able to use Jeff Bridges for half the price, but big rig trucks will be charged double, unless they’ve seen both Tron and Tron: Legacy.

Jeff Bridges is not the only entertainment figure to be slapped with higher rates in recent months. B.C. Ferries incensed Vancouver Island commuters by hiking the fares on Bryan Ferry in June, and rumours abound that anyone taking Nathan Lane in off-peak hours may have to pay an undetermined fee.

Predictably, Lower Mainland commuters are upset that more fees are being placed on key celebrities.

“They’re just outrageous,” said Delta commuter Dona Zhou of the new fees. “In the future, I think it might be cheaper to start Christopher Walken to work.”

TransLink says that it “is not insensitive” to the demands of commuters, and has offered alternatives to paying for the use of Jeff Bridges.

“Commuters, as always, are free to use Jeff’s far less successful brother, Beau Bridges, without paying,” said Parker. “We actually think he’s a great alternative since he’s used so little. He spends most of his time doing guest spots on TV and wishing with every fibre of his being that he was his brother.”

Beau Bridges was unavailable for comment, but is reportedly “just happy to have a job.”

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