Trump attempts to put toddler rumours to rest, rejects new airplane

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President-elect Donald Trump is denying he is a toddler by pledging to cancel an order for a new Air Force One. In a tweet last week, Trump wrote that “Boeing is building a brand new 747 Air Force One for future presidents, but costs are out of control, more than $4 billion. Cancel order!”

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An investigative report by The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah created shockwaves in late November, making the logical argument that Trump had secretly been a toddler this whole time. “It makes sense. He loves the same things toddlers do,” Noah said. “[They love] building things, they love attention, [and they’re] always grabbing things they’re not supposed to.”

Speculation has been mounting for months that the U.S. election winner’s true age may be between two to four years old. Among the countless warning signs, Trump’s recent refusal to accept intelligence briefings, his wispy hair, and his inability to construct basic sentences have stood out as red flags.

The mounting evidence has spawned a grassroots movement of concerned citizens calling themselves “Agers”.

“We wanted to go with ‘Birthers’, but it turned out that name was taken,” said Albert Routledge, spokesman for the group.

However, Trump’s tweet appeared to quash the growing rumours. “No way a toddler would reject a new airplane toy. No way,” toddler expert Tommy Pickles told the Martlet. “Unless it was only a spoon with vegetables pretending to be an airplane.”

Boeing made assurances this morning that its new 747 was, in fact, a real airplane with no broccoli or cauliflower-related components.

But the Agers have not given up yet.

“This is actually logical toddler behaviour,” said Routledge. “Even though the plane has yet to be built, the order was placed by Obama, so Trump doesn’t want it. It’s classic three-year-old stubbornness.”

The Martlet reached out to Trump for comment, but his representatives said that he was unavailable. “Sorry,” said Senior Advisor Kellyanne Conway, “he’s just gone down for a nap.”

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