When good men grow moustaches (and beards)

A Movember rant

November has reared its ugly head once more, marking that time of the year when men grow out their facial hair to support awareness for men’s mental health and prostate and testicular cancer. It’s a wonderful cause to support; what began as an idea from two men in Australia is now a worldwide charitable foundation with more than five million supporters. Moustaches were the catalyst — they have given men a symbol to rally behind for a noble cause.

And yet, all I can do when I see a moustached man is lament the tragic loss of a potentially handsome look and ask, “Did something crawl on their face and die there?”

I’ve heard too many women say, “I hate it,” when talking about beards or moustaches. It makes me wonder how the silly trend caught on in the first place.

It’s Movember and it’s an agonizing month for my taste in men.

Since too many wear their moustaches with chest-bulging pride, we are left wondering, “Why in the world do they think moustaches are attractive?” It’s an indisputable truth: Most women just can’t stand men’s moustaches.

I’m not just making this up. A recent study conducted by Tinder and Gillette for college-aged men shows that clean-shaven guys received 74 per cent more right swipes on Tinder than guys with beards. Clean-shaven guys also had 37 per cent more matches than guys with scruff.

File graphic by Rebecca Comeau

And that’s not even taking into account the sandpaper kisses that are a symptom of this time of the year. Whether it’s your boyfriend or a stranger stealing a kiss, you’re guaranteed a rubbing rough time on the upper-lip area.

To be fair, each person has their own personal taste, and it appears as though some do appreciate a good moustache.

“Oh, yes good sir, I love the sensation of a shoe brush shining my upper lip,” said an anonymous individual I overheard in the library washrooms.

A moustached friend admitted that “it’s quite a turn-on when my partner says, ‘This kiss is all the more passionate when I feel your coarse bristles.’”

Another anonymous source brought up the issue, “If people think hickeys are difficult to hide, they obviously have never had to hide post-makeout beard burn.” (Beard burn is that annoying upper lip rash that people develop after prolonged lip to lip contact with a bearded man. It’s otherwise known as ‘stache rash.’)

The Martlet has even received exclusive correspondence from other desperate students.

“Please help,” the letters read. “There’s too many of them.” The situation out there has turned desperate indeed.

For my own sanity, (and I suggest for the sanity of others) I may need to give up on my dream of the clean-cut hairless man and shift my interest to those less familiar with modern inventions — after all, electric razors only came on the market in the 1930s.

And maybe the persistence of the moustache should be taken as a sign of hope. Contrary to popular belief, men don’t just do things to impress women. Clearly. Maybe sometimes they just do dumb things for the sake of increasing awareness for an incredibly important cause.

Regardless of how I feel, I just need to steel my heart for November’s onslaught of facial hairdos since it’s likely going to continue year after year. Please feel free to send me photos of attractive men with moustaches — my only reference to date is Ryan Gosling and he’s always the exception.

Happy Movember everyone.

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