Why Halloween sucks

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Illustration by Toni Scott.

Illustration by Toni Scott.

I step onto my bus. Wearing my fashionable but normal set of clothes, I turn to decide where I should sit — a treacherous decision at the best of times. Unfortunately for me, this is the worst of times. All around me are the garish reminders of something I would much rather have forgotten — it’s Halloween.

A man to the right of me wears some frightening array of rags along with a terrifying mask (it’s either a zombie or Stephen Harper, but I’m too scared to look for long enough to figure out which). He is not the only one dressed embarrassingly. Every single person on the bus sports some kind of absurd costume, and they’re all looking at me as if I came onto the bus wearing nothing but an apron and a feather boa — which, incidentally, somebody in the back actually is. I can feel the judgment radiating from their frightening faces — this is why Halloween is awful.

Halloween is an interesting holiday. I grew up in England, meaning I first encountered the holiday when I moved to Canada at the age of eight. As a neutral observer,  Oct. 31 always struck me as a way to justify consuming vast quantities of stuff that isn’t good for you and promptly throwing it all up later that evening. Now that I’m a university student, nothing has changed.

In terms of pointless holidays, Halloween is by no means the worst. However, when it comes to things that are overrated (and in today’s hipster culture overrated is pretty much as bad as it gets), Halloween is right up there with man-buns and coconut water.

The problem with Halloween is that people can’t see why it sucks. As a result, any exclusion from it is met with cries of “why do you have to be a Grinch?” or “you’re just jealous that you can’t pull off that sexy Stephen Harper costume.” And while they’re right (I can’t, damn it), Halloweeners are just blind to the fact that their holiday isn’t as good as they think it is. The chocolate is both undersized and overpriced, the parties aren’t that much better (not that I would know), and the costumes make people look ridiculous.

I take offence when I am judged for dressing like a normal person should dress, by strangers on the bus, or when the Martlet staff  hurl abuse at me when I proudly declare my distaste for Halloween. People need to realize that when you wear a costume, you are the strange one . There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it does mean you can’t get mad at someone for not dressing as sexy Stephen Harper or something equally disturbing.

As someone who doesn’t like crappy chocolate, un-fun parties, or dressing up in uncomfortable costumes that are designed to either be as unflattering as possible (for the boys) or as revealing as possible (for the girls and the brave boys), I can’t stand Halloween, and I believe it’s time the rest of the world felt the same way.

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