36 answers that lead to love with the Martlet

Humour Stories | Satire

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In January, a Modern Love essay in the New York Times chronicled how a woman married a man after asking each other 36 questions that, in a study published in 1997, was “guaranteed” to make someone fall in love. Here are our answers:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

A living guest? ‘Cause otherwise it’d be Jesus. Free wine and bread, duh. But living? I’d have to say Nick Offerman. Seems like a genuine guy. We could talk about movies and furniture. My two favourite things.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

I’d like to be famous for eliciting one great quote.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

Absolutely. I want to compile my answers into a book dedicated to one-sided conversations.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

Mostly just binge reading free, local, well-produced publications. Like that one . . . what’s it called? Something about a bird?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

While we were making burgers last night, my person and I sang “Sunshine Superman” by Donovan. We also danced. It was beautiful.

6. If you were able to live to 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

I would want the body of course. Well, wait. Is it my 30-year old body? Or like, Brad Pitt in Fight Club? I will take that body then.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

As a natural selection reject, death is always right around the corner. Likely, I will die from contact with grass. Or dirt. Or the sun.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

We recognize that the Martlet is the best independent weekly in town.

We’re procrastinating right now.

We like cats (right?)

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

I just bought a pair of grey slacks that kind of look green in some light and kind of blue in other light. They are also just casual and sturdy enough to wear anytime. Needless to say, they’re super versatile. I can wear them with anything.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Learning about sex through my parents and not my peers. Friends think they know, but you will run into certain shenanigans that only parents know the answers to.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

I was born on a Friday, weighed 7 lbs 1 oz at birth, and share a birthday with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Leonard Nimoy. I learned to read late in life—about a week ago.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

I would wake up and be super really good at writing words while being funny and stuff.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

Does Firefly ever come back?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

I have always dreamed of playing bass for Taylor Swift. I haven’t done it yet because she won’t return my calls/emails/scrapbooks.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

The Prime Minister once waved at me during an Oilers Playoff game (yes, way back in ‘06). I mean, sure, it was only Stephen Harper, but we made serious eye contact. It felt important.

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Comfort. And the ability to pick up where you left off no matter how much time has passed.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

Seeing Arcade Fire perform while backstage at Squamish Valley Music Festival. I will never forget how bright the lights were.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

A mistake I made when I was eight or nine. I had to watch Shrek on repeat for months to wash it away.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

I would do a lot more drugs and eat a lot more delicious, expensive food that was bad for me. I would also travel and rack up a lot of credit card debt while taking out a great life insurance policy if my condition was a secret.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

Absorbing a selection of weird humans into my little family.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Do donuts count?

22. Alternate sharing 5 things you consider a positive characteristic of your partner.

You have warm hands.

You have an excellent new haircut (oh yeah, I noticed).

You enjoy the Internet.

I think your pet is adorable.

Your lack/abundance of facial hair suits your face perfectly.

23. How close is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

Happy? Yes. I mean, I never had birthday parties or Christmases, but I actually don’t begrudge it one bit.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Always a little terrified.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

“We both know what the Martlet is. We are both literate. We both . . . um . . . flip to the humour section first?” Amirite?

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share . . .

Dinosaur erotica—the Ravaged by the Raptors series.

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know

That I have more ups and downs than a normal person, and poutine is on my mind at least 80 per cent of the time. Don’t take it personally; you’re just not as starchy or cheesy.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be honest, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

I like how it shows on your face when you love something, whether it’s a bagel, or a cool scene in a movie, or me.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life

When I was in preschool, my best friend spun me around repeatedly until I puked. I had to go home.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Five minutes ago. I cry all the time. In public. At home. Everywhere. Now even.

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already

You picked up a copy of our paper! You’re already better than 80 per cent of the people I meet. I’d buy you a hot mug of tea any day of the week.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

Absolutely nothing. Except maybe racial stereotypes. Or dead baby jokes. Or female oppression. Or the Holocaust—who would think that’s funny?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I’m sorry I ate the last bowl of chocolate Cheerios. I didn’t say anything earlier because I could always buy more, but I would hate for that to be my last debt.

34. Your house catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be?

Let it all burn to the ground; I want to start a new life. That’s why I started the fire in the first place.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

I would be equally devastated about any loss in the Martlet family.

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it

My friend showed me this weird growth near her bum-o-ley that randomly appeared there. I feel like you think I’m said friend.