5 barbaric cultural practices worth tattling on your peers for

Humour Stories | Satire
Illustration by Christy Shao, Graphics Editor
Illustration by Christy Shao, Graphics Editor

If the Conservatives had gotten their way on Oct. 19, the RCMP would be answering your grandma’s calls about her neighbour’s rap music right now via the barbaric cultural practices tip line. As much as I hate the idea of the government asking us to spy on each other, I can’t help but be tempted to vent my complaints about the diversity of culture here on campus. In the spirit of tattling on our neighbours, here’s a list of five barbaric cultural practices committed here at UVic.

1) Leaving your laundry in the residence dryers once it’s already dry

I mean, seriously, people — I know a lot of you have never done laundry before, but come on. It’s an affront to Canada and good laundry etiquette to leave your load lounging around in the dryer for more than ten minutes after it’s done when you’re sharing four dryers with ninety other people. Either set a timer or sit your butt down in the laundry room and do that reading you’ve been neglecting. Otherwise, the Royal Canadian Mounted Laundry Police will be coming for you.

2) Blasting music at all hours of the day

I’m not sure what possesses certain people to play shitty music at 2 in the afternoon while I’m trying to study, AND at 2 in the morning when I’m trying to sleep, but I’m sure that this is a barbaric cultural practice if there ever was one. I guess I can’t stop you if you want to practice your culture, but do it so that I can’t hear it — wear headphones, dammit. You’re polluting the ears of decent, law-abiding Canadians.

3) Charging $8 for a paper bowl full of cucumbers and chickpeas

How can Food Services violate the Canadian tradition of food?! How am I supposed to honour my family practice of eating salad when they charge more for a paper bowl of cucumbers and chickpeas than for a roast beef sandwich? I’m all for discriminating against other people’s cultures, but mine sure as hell better be respected!

4) Talking in the silent sections of the library

I don’t know what “silent” means where the rest of you are from, but here in Canada, “silent” means “NO ONE MAKES NOISE.” Turn off your God damned phone, and if you want to talk, go to the group study area. Geez Louise!

5) Stopping in doorways

Don’t. Freaking. Stop. In. DOORWAYS. If whatever your friend just said to you is so shocking that you literally lose the ability to walk and MUST stop in a busy doorway to reply, I will gladly call an ambulance to make sure you get the medical assistance that you need. Otherwise, respect the rules of the pedestrian road: walk on the right, and, most importantly, KEEP WALKING.