5 better names for your baby in 2016

Illustration by Christy Shao, Graphics Editor
Illustration by Christy Shao, Graphics Editor

According to the B.C. Ministry of Health, 2014’s top baby names for girls in B.C. was Olivia, with Ethan topping the list for boys. And while stats for 2015 haven’t been released yet, it’s looking like Olivia and Oliver may be the frontrunners.

C’mon, parents. Olivia? Ethan?! Don’t take this the wrong way (or do, whatever), but these are some dumbed-down designations. We can do better. Thankfully, I’m here to help. Here are five gender-neutral name suggestions for your bundles of joy in 2016.

1) BB-8

Capitalize on the current craze by naming your kid after the adorable robot star from Star Wars: The Force Awakens! In years to come, everybody will know that you were hip with the times and saw the same movie as everyone else on the planet. And really, your child is going to sound just like BB-8 for the first little while, so this is just good planning. Synergy!

2) Gurp

Short, punchy, and memorable. And it sounds like yogurt, which is pretty good, I think. And what if little Gurp grows up to love yogurt? “Gurp, come get your yogurt! Yogurt for Gurp!” Ah, what a fun time you’ll both have.

3) Ball

If you think about it, balls are wonderful in any context. Soccer balls, footballs, formal balls — you name it. What better name for your child than something that implies joy for everyone? Such purity and innocence is hard to come by, but not with a name like this one.

4) Nygth-ugnyi

Now, I know this one doesn’t roll off the tongue very easily, but what an honour it would be to name your firstborn after the Ancient One itself! People will herald your child’s arrival, much like we shall herald the return of the One From Beyond. If this isn’t to your liking, perhaps you could go with M’ekena, or Gug-za.

5) [Blank]

You could take this two ways: either literally naming your sweet child [Blank] (how postmodern of you!), or just not naming them at all. Get with the times, parents: labels are OVER. The overeducated left has made it so nobody knows who anybody is anymore, so you may as well just throw your hands up and embrace it.