$5 million renos to compensate for smartphone use in washrooms

Humour Stories | Satire
Mary Robertson (graphic)
Mary Robertson (graphic)

HUMOUR—After years of increasing line-ups for washrooms all over campus, UVic has announced plans to double the number of washroom stalls available in every building. In a highly anticipated news release Monday, building manager P. Leez Holdit announced the $5 million initiative.

The project would see funding flowing to many different buildings, with the hopes that the money would trickle down to workers and help stimulate the city’s economy. “Being able to announce this project is an enormous relief,” said Holdit. “I could barely keep it in.”

In response to the announcement, Ingrid-Pat Freely, lead researcher for the Fair Loo Idea Exchange (FLIE), was barely able to contain her excitement at the opportunity to pursue this research project. “I’m just grateful we’ve got this kind of fluidity in our budget,” said Freely. “We want students to know that their well-being is number one and number two on our list of priorities.”

Since 2006, when smartphones were surgically implanted in every student’s palm, washroom line-ups have grown exponentially. As I.P. Freely explains, “Many of us have caught ourselves participating in this trend over the years. In fact, I think it should be considered a healthy part of campus life.”

FLIE released a report showing that 95 per cent of students take an average of one to 13 extra minutes per visit simply sitting there and enjoying a little personal space in the privacy of washroom stalls. “We have established a positive correlation with happiness rates on campus,” said Freely.

“We considered installing cattle prods in every stall at one point,” says Holdit, “but we realized that the lawsuits would make this solution even less affordable.”