A freshperson’s UVic survival guide

Humour Stories | Satire

Your all-in-one manual that’ll keep you savvy around seasoned UVicers

Students will be arriving this September, backpacks packed with booze for partying. How far can they go? Photo by Belle White, Senior Staff Photographer

Fresh off the Ferry? Attempting to satiate your parents’ shockingly high expectations by half-assing a social sciences degree? Gave up on your musical ambitions? However you came to UVic, it’s important to stay vigilant on campus.

Here’s how to get by.



At first, you might be hesitant to hunt, trap, and eat rabbit meat. But spend a few weeks up at UVic consuming the awful cafeteria food, and you’ll understand why learning to skin and cook campus game is really your only realistic fine dining option. You don’t need to be careful about overhunting, since we all know there are rabbit fairies that come to campus at night to replenish their population.

Stop counting your coffee consumption in cups. Move to litres — it’s patriotic!

It’s 2018, people. We’re so close to phasing the imperial system out of our country for good, but this little scrap of language remains stuck in between our nation’s teeth. This scourge of a measuring system has plagued our country and the world for too long, so measure your days in ten-hour segments, your height in metres, and, most importantly, measure your coffee consumption in litres.

When someone asks you, “How much coffee have you had today, anyway?” You can support the only logical form of measurement and respond smugly with, “Exactly 2230 millilitres, thanks for asking!”


Sleep on campus for free

Clearihue is open 24 hours a day, which makes it the perfect place for a guerrilla apartment. Book rooms throughout the night to “study” in, and bring your sleeping bag for that authentic west coast camping trip feel.

Be sure to come up with a good excuse to confuse maintenance staff and security, such as, “I’m practicing my eight month long performance art piece where I play a moth in its cocoon, which is why I’m in this sleeping bag,” or, “I’m conducting a long-term sting operation to catch whoever has been switching out the soap in the bathroom with orange juice concentrate. Call your boss, he’ll confirm it.”

Find someone with a comfortable bed

While they go to work or school, break into their apartment and sleep in their bed. Be sure to wake up before they come back, and while it might seem like a good idea to raid their fridge, it’s always better to leave only footprints and take only memories of how comfortable their mattress is.



This little tip won’t net you any cash, but it’ll sure as hell save your wallet. This website should become your personal bible, and act as a guiding light to take you through the dark forest saturated with the monsters and ghouls that is the reality of UVic’s faculty. Am I allowed to make fun of UVic professors? I can, right? I’m pretty sure that I can write anything as long as it isn’t libellous, but a humour article can’t be libellous, I think. But I thought the Martlet was affiliated with UVic, so I don’t know why they wouldn’t veto jokes like that. Is the Martlet owned by UVic? Does anyone know? Someone help me find out, please.

Steal, Sell, Repeat

Go to the CARSA’s locker rooms and steal the Blundstones and Birkenstocks carelessly strewn throughout the changing areas. Youth on campus are often both wealthy and naive, so you shouldn’t have any trouble selling these shoes right back to the people you stole them from. Wait a few months, and do it again! Swindles are like Martlet articles: they don’t need to be original or composed of more than a shred of honesty for them to do the trick.