Be your own Wood Wizard: Masturbate

OPI_Wood Wizard_Emily Thiessen_web
Graphic By Emily Thiessen

“What’s this?”

I turn around to my guy friend, fumbling with a protruding object under my bed sheets. He holds up my vibrator and it takes us both a second to realize what he just discovered. Screaming. So much screaming. Cue mental black out.

I felt as if he just violated my sacred past-time; or opened Pandora’s less renown box of secret sex toys, lonely orgasms, and yes, maybe a shred of hope. That is one of my most horrifying memories. The next time I saw him, he just greeted me with a buzzing sound and I wanted to walk into oncoming traffic from the shame alone.

Why is it such an awkward topic, especially for females? Masturbation is healthy! Guys walk around calling each other “jerk offs,” and “boner bros,” (okay I’ve never heard them call each other boner bros, but I wouldn’t be surprised) and bond over their solo-boner stories. My friend even has the nickname “The Wood Wizard,” for successfully jacking off 22 times in a week. Females don’t get that. We don’t admit to masturbating, so we don’t get cool nicknames.

You’re not a pervert for doing it; you’re being human. We need to alleviate that sexual tension that builds up, and the real thing may not always be on call. Frankly, it’s a great way to find out what turns you on in the bedroom and even builds up your confidence.

Don’t let the stigmas stress you out. Masturbating should be the solution, not the problem. Got a headache? Masturbate. Failed that exam? Masturbate. You’re broke, single and have nothing to live for? Yeah, you should probably masturbate. Start realizing that that everyone does it (don’t you want to be one of the cool kids?) and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Your best friend, Jennifer Aniston . . . hell, Meryl Streep are likely all touching themselves, and just think—you can too!

At the low price of $9.99, you can be well on your way to self-induced bliss. They even have it in your favourite colour. Fair warning: vibrators are stimulators which may take away the realistic feel of sex. With that in mind, you can also go au naturale. Mindful masturbation eliminates any mechanics and lets you create your own fantasy with your fingers. I know, fingering is a creepy word and can only make the topic more unsettling, but it’s a step closer to loving yourself openly.

I’m not telling you to go full-fisting Führer; masturbation can be a problem if it’s inhibiting you from living your daily life, committing to a partner, or if you’re doing it in public. This article is not to promote that.

But self-exploration through masturbation (that could be a slogan) is a great way to stay stress free and keeps you focused. It helps you wind down — or wind up — in a safe environment; you don’t have to deal with a possible pregnancy or disease, or even worry about what you look like. The release of endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine fights off depression and can improve your overall mood. So stop feeling ashamed for something as natural as loving yourself. Whether you’re cuddling a partner or a pillow, an orgasm is an orgasm, and you’re not a freak for enjoying it.