Before you die you see The Ring

Humour Stories | Satire

HUMOUR — I’ll set the stage for you: The world has been destroyed by some kind of nuclear explosion. Somehow, because of some unexplainable event, the UVic campus has completely survived. Madness ensues as each department tries to battle for the perfectly preserved campus. Like Highlander, there can only be one. Here are the remains of a written diary from, what many historians consider to be, the last English student who survived the great UVic post-apocalyptic war:

Day 20 since the nuclear fallout: Alliances have instantly been made, pushing some departments to near extinction. Engineering and Chemistry have united, and are said to be building a massive structure against the Medieval Studies’ trebuchet . . . There is also said to be a colony of undecided majors who have found unclaimed territory in Mystic Vale. This group hopes that the war will blow over so they will not need to decide on their major . . . To survive I have found refuge, along with the rest of the English Department, in Clearihue, constantly moving from one floor to the next like a kind of nomadic group. Chips and Pepsi from vending machines have kept us fed, but some still complain that there is no Coke on campus.

Day 36: Business students have taken over the campus garden and are distributing foods for high prices including one carrot for five UVSS water bottles. Funny to look back at a time when I once thought those free water bottles, given during the first weeks of school, were useless . . . The Theatre Department has set a truce with most of the humanities faculties, and has provided entertaining re-enactments of war occurrences; however, I have heard a tale that after infiltrating the Geography Department by providing a play, the Theatre students violently turned on the audience through the use of fake plastic swords. Only minor injuries occurred . . .

Day 42: The ‘Great Engineering-Chemistry Creation’ can be seen from anywhere on campus. I can only describe it as an electrified catapult that launches a combination of asbestos found in Elliot building mixed with rabbits discovered on the outskirts of campus . . . Numbers are falling fast due to this device. I saw the Law Department throwing their thick textbooks to stop the machine, but to no avail . . .

Day 63: There has been word that a UN-like conference is currently being held at the SUB . . . The discussion results are to be announced by a town crier, the last remaining member of the former Martlet.

Day 64: Though thousands have perished for the glory of capturing the campus, peace has now reigned upon the land with the Great Engineer-Chemistry-History Treaty . . . I have finally exited Clearihue to feel the first sunlight touch my skin in over two months; although this is not much different than from when I was a student. Still, there is talk of a rabid zombie race of rabbits, which have mutated due to the asbestos. These creatures have been said to be biting humans, but I hope to the great god McPherson that this is but a myth.

Day 78: . . . I thought I could confuse the rabbits by entering the labyrinth that is Cornett, but I find myself trapped and unable to find an exit. I feel as if these are my last words, for I see a whole gang of rabbits hopping down the hallway, only stopping to clean their ears or kill a few students. If anyone is still out there, do take these fluffy white balls of fur seriously, for their cuteness can easily catch you off guard . . . If I do not write again, know that I will die fighting; however, due to the fact that only my journal and pen remains, my survival will rely on severely   paper-cutting the rabbits to death.