Breaking: Campus food found to be abnormally good


“This is not what I ordered”

One of the most important parts of owning and operating a restaurant is ensuring consistency and adherence to brand normalcy. In the same way that chain restaurants insist on having identical food served at restaurants in different provinces or countries, UVic Food Services hope that customers won’t be able to tell the difference between the meal they had in their freshman year and the meal they had at their graduation ceremony.

Recently, however, as many students can corroborate, food on campus has deviated from the standard. It’s actually been tasting pretty good.

Back in the day, in order to get a meal on campus, you’d need to sell your kidney to afford a plate of food — and usually you’d end up having it served right back to you with some Kirkland signature barbecue sauce and a number of fly larvae.

“I don’t understand what’s happening”

In an email to the Martlet, Mildred Wreath, granddaughter of first ever UVic Food Services  chef Witherspoon Wreath, says the slight uptick in quality “is the absolute last thing my grandfather wanted when he cut the ribbon at the opening of UVic’s first eatery.”

“In those days,” Wreath explained, “the kitchen and the campus automotive shop shared the same room. Students and faculty would come to Grandpappy and say, ‘I found a gasket in my enchilada!’ or, ‘this calamari tastes a lot like it was deep-fried in motor oil!’”

She wiped a tear from her cheek, “It had been deep-fried in motor oil.”

But now, the ludicrously high price of campus food actually matches its quality, and it isn’t just the Wreath Legacy that’s at stake. Cadboro Commons has reportedly shut down for at least the next two weeks to track down the exact cause of the irregularities, leaving many hungry students in the lurch.

At time of writing, no other food outlets affected by the recent culinary deformities have stated they will be closing their doors to hungry students, but managers from Mac’s, the secret Tim Hortons in the basement of the SUB, and Finnerty Express have all admitted to considering temporarily shutting down operations.

“It had been deep-fried in motor oil.”

“I don’t understand what’s happening,” said Ben Tiller, manager of Felicita’s. “I noticed it happening earlier this week when our signature Jalapeño Poppers were ordered by a student who wanted to show off his spice tolerance. Not that cheese-stuffed Jalapeños are that spicy. I mean, all that fat in the cheese wraps itself around the capsaicin, rendering it totally neutral in regards to heat. It’s like drinking a glass of milk after having something spicy. It just isn’t impressive.

“Anyway, I was doing my mandatory inspection that night and intercepted the dish on its way to the table. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. Foie gras, applewood smoked cheddar, and brie were just oozing out of the jalapeño. And the batter was way lighter and more flavourful than usual! I went to my chef and demanded to know how long this had been occurring. He said that it had all started a few days earlier and that whatever was happening was happening to every item on the menu. Our beers weren’t flat, our burger buns weren’t soaked with miracle whip, and nothing tasted at all like motor oil.”