Can I marry my iPhone 5?

Humour Stories | Satire

In anticipation of the upcoming release of the iPhone 5, questions have been raised about the exact capabilities of this new technological wonder. For instance, will every iPhone 4S self-destruct on the iPhone 5’s release date? Does every iPhone 5 really contain trace amounts of Steve Jobs’s DNA and, if so, is there a cloning app included? Is John Malkovich the new head of Apple? 

Well, fear not, for below is a list of the top five questions (and sub-questions) about the new Apple product that should put your queries to rest.

“Can I marry my iPhone 5?”

Sadly, as sexy as Siri’s voice is, Canada’s marital laws do not recognize the union of a human being and a phone as legitimate. 

What can it do?

New to the iPhone 5 are voice-guided turn-by-turn directions to go along with that voice- operated search for the quickest way to the Vegas chapel.

How will iPhone 6 fix this?

iPhone 6 will include the new app iMinister, which will allow you to ruin the rest of your life in the safety of your own living room. 

“Can iPhone 5 direct 

my porno for me?”

Unfortunately, you’re probably on your own there (well, depending on the porn); the iPhone 5’s moral fibre won’t allow such things.

What can it do?

While you’ll have to be in charge of your own cinematic dream, iPhone 5 can assist you with a new 1080p HD camera through a sapphire crystal lens and over ten hours of HD playback for maximum enjoyment of your new masterpiece.

How will iPhone 6 fix this?

iPhone 6 will pull away from its ethical design and join forces with Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle Productions to form the new leading name in porn, iDogg.

“Can iPhone 5 make flying easier?”

Yes! New to the iPhone 5 is Passbook, an app that allows for digital carrying of boarding passes, gift certificates and even your passport to make flying a breeze.

What’s the catch?

iPhone’s digital capabilities will not enable you to smuggle digital weed into Disneyland. 

How will iPhone 6 fix this?

iPhone 6 will allow for full digital smuggling into and out of Canada and the United States. Unfortunately, iPhone 6 will abuse its newfound power and smuggle its way into a hostile take-over of the Microsoft Corporation.

“Can I take Siri out on the 

date she deserves?”

Much to our disappointment, Siri lives in the iPhone 5 and will not come out for anyone less than John Malkovich himself. 

What can we do?

Siri will be able to give you voice-activated sports highlights, update your Facebook status, and yes, make you a reservation so you can take your significant other out for dinner (or, more likely, your mom). 

How will iPhone 6 fix this?

The Siri of iPhone 6 will become your butler as well as your best and only friend. She will insist on it. 

“Can I buy the iPhone 5 soon?”

In a surprise move, sources say Samsung has threatened to sue Apple over the iPhone 5 hardware that makes it compatible with the super-fast Long Term Evolution (LTE) broadband. This may shift the release date of our new toy back even further as Apple mulls over whether a potential lawsuit is worth being punctual.

What can I do?

You can press your face against the glass of your nearest Apple store and wait until you’re ticketed for loitering. 

How will iPhone 6 fix this?

It will include the hardware “iLitigate,” allowing iPhone 6 to represent itself in a court of law, thus ending Apple lawsuits forever.