Canucks seek fresh start with new players, coaches

Humour Sports Stories | Satire

Yes, it’s that time of year again. After three long days without it in your living rooms, on your home pages, or guided down your throat with all the compassion of a bridge troll, hockey season is back.

Most importantly, let us examine the franchise most responsible for local cases of high blood pressure and an irrational hatred of a particular cream-filled doughnut, the Vancouver Canucks. The Canucks have a brand new coach this season and will be attempting to avenge an especially frustrating season last year where they failed to make the playoffs or even appear interested in the game of hockey for large stretches.

“I suppose our focus this season is to frequently score goals,” said Canucks executive vice-president of player operations Mark MacDonell. “Last season, I felt we did not score as many times as other teams scored on us. It became a major problem.”

This bold strategy is just one of many new plans that the Canucks hope to put in place this year to help them win an NHL championship since, well, ever.

“Normally, teams expect their players to try their hardest but we want to see if we can push them further,” said fitness consultant Kevin Popelbrunt. “We are attempting to get our players to that elusive 110 per cent that you hear so much about. So far, the results have been mixed.”

Popelbrunt is referring to a series of experimental treatments performed on Canucks players including the Atkins Diet, shock therapy, and a controversial evening with hallucinogenic mushrooms. The Canucks are no stranger to genetic experimentation as one of their greatest achievements, the cloning of a Swedish hockey player as a young boy, remains one of the franchise’s greatest but least publicized accomplishments.

Training camp began for the 2014-15 NHL season with coaching staff attempting to teach their new system to a crop of new players, some of whom were attending their first NHL camp including a recruit from Germany with a background in advanced mathematics, Sven Eidelhorn.

“Oh yeah, Eiddy is a great player,” said European scout Tomas Steenman. “Except he has this argumentative side when he’s told to play hard in the corners; it’s a touchy issue for him.”

Eidelhorn is known to refuse the coaching staff’s directives when asked to play in the corners as he argues that the playing surface in inherently round, therefore no real corner exists. As of press time this evening, Eidelhorn also cannot skate.

It truly is an exciting time for the Canucks as the sun rises on a new NHL season. Canucks fans have patiently waited for their team to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup and, as is tradition, sip the sweet unicorn blood from the chalice. Perhaps this is their year, or perhaps not. Either way, we’ll find out about it.