CARSA finally not open, UVic announces

Humour Stories | Satire
Graphic by Nora Wu (Graphics Contributor)
Graphic by Nora Wu (Graphics Contributor)

HUMOUR — The Centre for Athletics, Recreation and Special Abilities (CARSA), originally slated for a Fall 2013 launch, was finally not unveiled at a ceremony last Thursday.

“We were upset at having to move the date back, but we felt it was worth taking the time to create a facility that students can be proud to not use,” said UVic president Jamie Cassels, gesturing to a cordoned off shell of a building. “Isn’t it beautiful? Don’t get too close. That’s a hard hat area.”

The Peninsula Co-op Climbing Wall, named for the donor company of the same name, is also available for students to think about in an abstract way.

The climbing wall boasts a number of features including a bouldering area, where students could climb without ropes or harnesses. “But first, they’d have to climb the chain-link fence surrounding the facility,” said director of UVic Athletics and Recreation Services, Clint Hamilton. “It would definitely make for a great warm up.” Hamilton went on to warn students that entering the facility at this time is considered trespassing.

Inside CARSA, there will also be a performance gymnasium, field house, and a state-of-the-art fitness and weight-training space. Nazir Jessa, consulting project manager, stated that these facilities can be made available to members of the Department of Exercise Science. “I mean, I guess,” he said. “Like, maybe you want to research the effects of sawdust inhalation on cardiovascular health? Knock yourself out.”

Fourth-year student Kerry Jameson voted for this new gym because she was tired of waiting in line for the treadmills at Ian Stewart. “I’m glad that I’m finally able to gaze longingly into CARSA thanks to the newly installed windows,” said Jameson with tears in her eyes. She was later spotted in McKinnon, tampering with the ellipticals.

In a multiple-choice poll, 86 per cent of Spring 2015 grads said that they’re glad that their tuition has gone towards a project that they’ll never get a chance to use. But when presented with the follow-up question, “Really?”, they chose: “Are you an idiot?”