Stories | Satire

Bipolar weather ruins everything

Local psychiatrists, TV personalities trying to help

New nickel features Tim Hortons doughnut

HUMOUR: The last adjustment to the Canadian currency is set to launch in the fall of 2014: a new nickel. The new look will feature a hole in the centre…

Non-profit organization urges public to donate more brains

HUMOUR—Piece of Mind (POM), a non-profit organization that sends brains to Third World countries, held a press conference yesterday asking the public for their support and donations. According to executive…

Sheep are the real heroes

I’ve recently discovered the wonders of what is perhaps fashion’s best-kept secret—the scarf. I’d always dismissed the scarf as a ridiculous gesture toward high fashion, or perhaps an errant nod…

Japan announces plan to make mascots 30% cuter

HUMOUR—Kazuo Furuya, Japan’s CEO (Cuteness Engineer Operator) has published a report stating Japan’s plan to increase their mascots’ cuteness efficiency by 30 per cent by 2015. Japan is well known…

B.C. Transit bus arrives on time, citizens of Victoria shocked

HUMOUR—As the sun was just shedding its morning rays on Victoria, second-year UVic student Pelty Grables arrived at her bus stop on McKenzie Avenue. A few other bus riders stood…

B.C. government plans for solar panel farms on soon-to-be-desolate Alberta province

Although the recent information on the Alberta oilsands leaking toxic chemicals into the surrounding water may be bad news for some, it seems to be a silver lining for others.…

The harrowing shock of McKinnon gym

HUMOUR—At approximately 5 p.m. Feb. 1, horror struck second-year psychology major Alex Ferguson. “I was feeling restless and wanted to work out that night. I have always gone to Ian…

This week’s horoscopes

Aries March 21–April 20 B.C. liquor laws just changed, making your access to alcohol easier. I thought that information would be less likely to make you drink than your horoscope.…