Stories | Satire

UVSS Board considering embezzling money to raise student awareness of union

“If it worked for the SFUO, why can’t it work for us?” Late last week, shocking allegations were levelled at members of the University of Ottawa’s student union (SFUO), as…

We had an AI reproduce over 70 years’ worth of Martlet content

We had our AI write this past issue for us, and here are some articles that didn’t make the cut! Inspired by screenplays written by AIs, which have been taking…

Elon Musk vows to tackle Canada–US relations

Canadian pop-art musician Grimes is expected to aid Musk in the coming discussions Elon Musk, the uncle of Peter Thiel, has gained something a cult following in the past few…

Canada Day voted best national holiday by Settlers’ Magazine

Finally, our country made it onto a list that has nothing to do with drinking water advisories Settlers’ Magazine, a publishing organization known for their motto, “Well I think the…

Clam calamity

The Martlet reaches out to marine life in Victoria poisoned by SSRIs and other medications We have all heard the saying “happy as a clam,” but we could never really…

Now I am become bees, destroyer of clock

Tick-tock, Jamie Cassels. Tick. Tock. Clearihue Clock was first installed in 1963, when the building was unveiled to the public. Nowadays, students might not notice the clock because they have…

The BC Ferries survival handbook

How to make the most of your hour-and-a-half boat ride It’s that time of year again — students are soon to find themselves soliciting services from an organization that every Vancouver Island uncle…

Prof actually gets video playing from laptop on first try

“The sound worked and everything,” says stunned student For the students in ECON 214 on the morning of March 28, 2018, the situation was a familiar one. Professor Seth Delaney…

Exposé: UVSS finds alternative source of income by running underground petting zoos

The 2017 election for the UVSS was an eternity ago. There’s no practical reason for anyone to remember the campaign promises made so long ago. However, I do. One campaign…