Stories | Satire

5 ways to make your man think you’re a goddess in bed

(According to the patriarchy) 1. Always be excited and ready to have sex whenever your man wants it . . . But don’t have a sex drive of your own The first step to…

A Martlet-themed Valentine’s Day film like every other

Adapted from the erotic version The sun sets over a quiet campus. Finals season and shorter days are the perfect combination to encourage students to go back to their homes…

The Martlet’s 2018 News Headlines

There are few outside of the inner Martlet circles that are aware of this, but the Martlet has every article pre-written by a discount psychic. They then publish them over…

Things to do in Victoria next time you’re waiting for a tsunami

1. Go for a hike  Victoria is home to some amazing natural landscapes, and the hours before the total devastation of Vancouver Island is as good a time as any…

White lies

I’m tired of being disenfranchised. As a white cis male, I am deeply disturbed by advances in the field of equality. Whereas once our voices would be the only ones…

White Lies

I’m tired of being disenfranchised. As a white cis male, I am deeply disturbed by advances in the field of equality. Whereas once our voices would be the only ones…

The beginning of the end for hyphenated surnames

B.C. residents with hyphenated last names made the news in late September when they were unable to renew their driver’s licences and health cards onto the same card, with their…

Top 5 places to have discreet and meaningful conversations on campus

It’s no surprise that university is an important time in the development of young adults. Most of us are living on our own for the first time and dealing with…

Tensions high as Ring Road standoff enters 45th hour

Onlookers are beginning to worry as a standoff between a student trying to cross Ring Road and a car enters its 45th hour. Various members of the gathered crowd confirmed…