Dearest Clothing

Humour Stories | Satire
Emily Thiessen (graphic editor)
Emily Thiessen (graphic editor)

I’ve been getting a strange vibe from my clothing drawer lately. Two days after reading break, I found a formal message scrawled with my scarves.

Feb 17, 2015

To whom it may concern,

Have you looked out the window this morning? It’s a beautiful sunny day. The gladiator sandals agree. Take us out for ice cream cones and a day on the town. Forget about Warm Jacket. He’s such a downer. Hope to be worn soon.


Floral Skirt

Then I accidentally spilled pasta sauce on my favourite thermal shirt. I later noticed the stain had shaped into words:

The sleeveless shirts are forming a union. We demand to be worn.

Taunting notes have shown up everywhere, including my cozy footwear being rearranged into communication.

Feb 22, 2015


C’mon, people at school are doing it. Your friends are doing it. They all look fierce. I know you miss me. Remember that awesome day we spent at the beach last summer? Hit me up.


Paisley Shorts

I need to stop leading them on, so I attempt to make contact and send a message back.

Dearest Clothing,

I’m flattered but I’m sorry. I’m going to have to turn down all your offers. I will continue to bundle up. If I do choose to wear you, it will be under several other pieces of warm clothing. You may not even get a cameo since I believe a winter outfit should be like a delicious cake: the more layers, the better.

It may look like spring and occasionally feel like it, but it’s still physically winter. Show some respect; let each season run its course. Do not let daffodils and crocuses prematurely convince you otherwise. This flip-flopping weather causes confusion, and I know some people who leave their homes feeling exposed. This is why I am an enthusiast of ¾-length apparel. Plus, I already told Navy Blue Capris that he has dibs on easing me out of winter.

Don’t think you can seduce me. I know better. While some mornings I hear the gleeful sighing of “Ah, spring is here,” other days people wheeze with stuffy noses and curse the fact they left home without full winter attire. Instead, I religiously monitor what meteorologists preach: the weather. I follow the constraints and rules of each individual season like people follow Kanye West’s outbursts on social media. If an adorable rodent emerges from its burrow and insists there will be six more weeks of winter, who are we to question that? Likewise, it is not fair to our snowed-in Canadian counterparts for us to already declare it full-blown spring here. #TooSoon.

I don’t want to be that person who is caught in the biting wind—looking fabulous—draped only in a scant tank top and a light billowy skirt. This is the one time of year I can dress like an abominable snowwoman and not be judged too harshly. Let me have this moment.

Warm Regards,


P.S. If you want to compromise, we could call this time of the year sprinter (spring + winter), but that’s as much as I’ll surrender.

The next morning I find a reply crafted out of my mismatched wool socks.

Feb 26, 2015


Fine. Be practical if you want. We just might be missing though when you give in and come looking for us.

Cold Regards,

Striped Tank Top