Dearest Reader | We must embrace the bright side of severe climate change

Dearest Reader Humour

A column of wearyingly opinionated eclecticism

Dearest Reader,

A busy few weeks in the field of climate change politics, that special area of worldly focus concerning all of us and none of us at once, has come to pass. There have been many  comments made regarding the lackluster sum proffered by the G7 nations in donation to the cause of protecting the Amazon rainforest from further devastation. The noble leader of our nation’s southern neighbour has demurred in his ostensible duty to attend the G7 climate summit, while at the same time tabling his own creative ideas for averting climate disaster involving creative interpretations of the interaction between hurricanes and nuclear weapons. Elsewhere, mighty nations renew their support of coal and oil, various species oscillate precariously from one endangered list to another, and the doomsday clock measured in years before inescapable catastrophe for our species is measured, re-measured, and summarily ignored. Life, in a nutshell, continues as it always has. 

One must admire the consistency with which humanity has reacted to such an existential threat. 

Yet there exists another laudable human trait which has gone sorely underutilized in this fight for survival in the midst of self-rendered tragedy: optimism. Every cloud has its silver lining, after all, even if that silver is of the iodide variety and has been artificially seeded in hopes of generating rainfall across a scarcely habitable wasteland. 

Think first, dearest reader, of prospective tourists to the savannahs of Africa. They may balk at the thought of a transatlantic flight, yet envision their delight at the realization that such savannahs now rest merely a continent below them, where once the troublesome Amazon stood! Shorter travel times to such exotic parklands will doubtless embolden tourists concerned at spending less time on an airplane, exposed to radiation poorly filtered by a failing atmosphere. Further, tourists will find themselves saved the most difficult challenge of hunting the local wildlife for sport, as such animals will have been helpfully cleared from the landscape already.

Every cloud has its silver lining, after all, even if that silver is of the iodide variety and has been artificially seeded in hopes of generating rainfall across a scarcely habitable wasteland.

Secondly, consider the general inaccessibility today of island vacations and waterfront properties. Both shall be considered remote luxuries no longer when rising sea levels have allowed shorelines to retreat within reach of even the most impoverished inner-city denizen, and when islands have been made of each and every unsightly hill or plateau in range of today’s shores. Why, when every low-income homeowner from Victoria to Halifax finds themselves able to advertise their property as beachfront, I believe I will be safe in predicting a great boon to both wealth distribution and a housing market long thought impenetrable to the average family. 

By way of a final example, I present the most self-evident benefit which climate change has on offer for us. It is a contrivance of mental gymnastics most incomprehensible to me, dearest reader, that those very same souls who concern themselves with overpopulation cannot summon a spark of joy at the thought of so reliably reducing humanity’s numbers. 

Should the carrying capacity of our fair planet be halved or even quartered, one imagines that the remaining populace will be judicious in the management of remaining resources. Here self-appointed environmentalists will cry that such an outcome would irreparably damage our world. Such people may take solace in the fact that whatever evolutions of life succeed, humanity need not be troubled by our proclivity for habitat erasure. Life goes on, as I have impressed,  even if that life should not be our own. 

Take heart, dearest reader, for the many opportunities which dour climate activists will ignore, but which you, now enlightened, may go forth happily to enjoy.  Cheap property, private islands, and abundant resources await those who will remain. And when the last benefit has been extracted from our current so-called predicament, each of us may find comfort in the knowledge that we were united as a species in making our world a better place for some.

This is the first instalment of the Martlet’s satirical column, “Dearest Reader.”