Education Hurts

Humour Stories | Satire

A lot of you probably don’t know this because you’re on Facebook all day instead of contributing to society, but some people have jobs. And of those people with jobs, some of them are engineers. And I’m not talking about the kind of engineers who give engines more power and beam people up. No, I’m talking about real-life, salt-of-the-earth, flesh-and-blood, God-fearing engineers, who build our cities, our roads and our terrorist-killing sky robots.

But the problem is this: most of those engineers went to university. Not all of them, of course — my gardener never made it past third grade, but I let him build the guest bedroom I make my mother-in-law sleep in — but a good solid majority. “What?” you’re probably saying. “That’s great! They spent time in school!”

No! Wrong.

University is for elitists. It separates good, honest Canadians from their brothers and sisters, from their mothers and fathers. It drives families apart. Once, on a trip to Duncan, I met a man who killed 17 rabbits in a fit of rage. When I asked him why he did it, he told me it was because his brother went to university. That’s what you call hard evidence. 

Why are so many of our precious Canadian bunnies murdered via euthanasia on school grounds year after year? Is it because right-to-death laws are a joke? Is it because our culture engenders a kind of megalomaniacal and violent individualist approach to problem solving? No! It’s because of university.

Think about it. You’re taking a bunch of people who could be corn farmers or soldiers. They could be wearing baseball caps. They could be mudding the back 40 in a Canadian-made Chevy pickup. But instead, they’re trapped in some classroom, reading books and writing things with pencils. It’s disgraceful.

Those ivy-leagued big-wiggers down in Ottawa just don’t get it. With their fancy schools and expensive lunches, they just don’t understand what it’s like to be an ordinary Canadian. They know things. But they don’t know us, because they can’t relate to us. Knowing things makes sure of that.

Once a man gets an education, he starts to think he’s better than us. Just because he can read and write and pay his taxes doesn’t make him one iota better than us regular folks, and don’t let him tell you differently. In fact, you shouldn’t even talk to people like that. You probably wouldn’t understand them anyway.

And that’s what education does. It lifts and separates. It defines. It sculpts and beautifies. No, wait, that’s what a padded bra does. Okay, I’m lost. Where’s my pick-up?