Exercise makes hooligans out of our youth

Humour Stories | Satire

There’s a lot of science out there in the world. I try to ignore most of it, of course, because it gets in the way of my gut feelings. But sometimes I still get irritated by the maliciousness of the “facts” science insists on spreading. Children are so impressionable these days. The last thing we need is a bunch of lab-coated brain-meisters telling them which way is up and how to get to Mars. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. Did you know that many scientists these days advocate exercise? I don’t even know how anybody believes this stuff.

I was at Beacon Hill Park the other day. I normally avoid the outdoors, but french fries and cheeseburgers don’t buy themselves, you know. So there I was, stuffing my face with trans fats, when I noticed a bunch of exercise machines outside the lawn bowling club. What a strange malfeasance! This is so typical of big government, getting involved in the private lives of citizens.

The problem is that nobody recognizes the enormous harm to society that exercise brings. Studies routinely prove that fit, active people have more energy. The last thing the social fabric needs right now is a bunch of fit, pumped-up, energetic individuals bouncing around. God knows what they’d get up to.

Say you’ve got a group of teenagers who can choose between a Big Mac and the latest Call of Duty or a few hours outside in the park enjoying new fitness equipment. Of course we all want them to choose the former, but what if, in some terrible quirk of fate, they decide on the latter? What happens then? I’ll tell you what. They’ll become fitter, healthier and more energetic. That’s what.

You’re probably saying, “It’s no skin off my nose if kids have more energy.” But that’s where you’re wrong. What do kids with energy do when they get bored of exercising? Drugs. Sex. Rock ’n’ roll. Crime. I want you to consider the following: a group of rowdy teenagers get up early one Saturday morning and head to the park to work out. They do a bit of cardio, a bunch of chin-ups, maybe they toss around a Frisbee. They’re all riled up, and without fast food in their systems, they’re alert and spirited. What are they going to do now?

We all know what comes next. They cruise down main street, bored and looking for trouble. Maybe they hop, maybe they skip. Somebody is probably jogging. You know how teens are. Next thing you know, they’re holding up the local 7-11 at gunpoint. The cashier goes to fix his suspenders, and one of our muscular teens misinterprets the gesture and opens fire.

That’s the fallout of exercise. You know it, I know it. Now, who’s going to feed and clothe the cashier’s widow and seven darling children? Not me, I tell you. Not when I gave you all such warning beforehand. Think of the children. Let’s get rid of those exercise machines before it’s too late. For all of us.