Fir tree goes to court


By Heilman Amos

The big fir on the east side of the creek is fed up with tourists calling him old. He promises to fall over on the next bunch of annoying camera-carrying visitors.

“I’m serious this time,” the tree warned. “The next time some tourist cuts off one of my limbs to count my rings, I will snap.”

The tree is abnormally large but has only been around for 94 years. Although no spring chicken, this fir should have a few hundred more years to live and is sick of being called old.

“Some of my neighbours are over 300 years old and no one gives them a hard time,” the tree said.

The most recent incident saw a young couple from some French-speaking country poking the fir with a wire to see what consistency the sap was. The fir groaned and leaned, scaring the tourists right into Beaver Creek’s fast flowing waters.

“I’m not sorry,” the fir exclaimed. “They deserved it, that’s not how you treat a living thing.”

Buckle up; the ensuing lawsuit is a weird one, as the tourists are asking for some thousands in damages. The tourists were also planning on harassing Babe the Blue Ox in Minnesota.

The fir’s lawyer, some guy in a toupée, said they wouldn’t have any problem in court if the big tree wasn’t so irate.

“It is like he is out to get everyone these days,” toupée-man said. “I think those people finally put him over the edge. I am now thinking an insanity plea isn’t a bad option. I’m certainly insane for taking this case.”

This is the second time that legal action has been taken against the fir tree. How could anyone forget the infamous Fir tree vs. Beaver dam property suit that dragged on for 10 months in ‘99.

The provincial government is thinking of cutting down the historic fir, but fears an outrage from the strong hippie community in B.C. As the legal system in B.C. knows, going to court against a hippie is almost weirder than with a tree.